Minor Had Major-League Need
For Meds and Love Gloves
It’s common knowledge that kids have been dipping their hands into the cookie jar of debauched delights since time immemorial. But even the appetites of the most seasoned hedonists would be put to shame by the 15-year-old perp the cops hauled in on April 28.
The suspect visited the Duane Reade drug store at 401 East 86th Street around 6:45 a.m. and helped himself to $649.50 worth of prescription drugs as well as 36 Trojan condoms. Put the two together and you’d probably have any swinger’s definition of a good time-depending, of course, on the types of drugs (which were undisclosed). But the lifted goods apparently comprised only part of this perp’s kit.
A store employee spotted the suspect concealing the booty on his person and held him until the police arrived. When they did, the police discovered that his personal possessions included neither tiddlywinks nor top, but rather a hypodermic needle and plastic bag containing a powder that was believed to be an illegal substance. The youth was charged with petty larceny and will undoubtedly also be charged with drug possession if the tests for the alleged illegal substance come back positive.
Who says tenant/superintendent disputes that turn violent are restricted to Manhattan’s less stellar addresses? The rich are fully as capable of throwing a roundhouse right when the service isn’t up to snuff and the occasion calls for it.
On April 22, the manager of 515 Park Avenue reported to the police that he was roughed up by one of his tenants. He claims that he had been minding his own business, waiting for the elevator. When it arrived, a resident popped out who was clearly none too happy with the quality of life in the building.
The perp, a 50-year-old man, pushed the manager against a wall while swearing, “You sack of shit, this building sucks!” The victim, 58, suffered no injuries. Nonetheless, he filed a harassment complaint against his adversary.
Zuckerman Silver Grows Legs
In another example that life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be in those handsome limestone doorman fortresses along Fifth and Park avenues, Mort Zuckerman, the publisher of the Daily News ,
reported to the police that $20,000 in silver place settings had seemingly grown legs and marched out of his Fifth Avenue and 76th Street apartment.
According to an associate of the newspaper publisher and real-estate mogul, the silver was discovered missing on April 25 during a routine inventory. A previous inventory had been done in October of last year, meaning that it could have been stolen at any time between those two dates.
A couple of cops responded to the apartment, and there was apparently some contemplation given to summoning an evidence-collection team, but the idea was quickly abandoned due to the six-month gap since the last inventory. ( You try and lift fingerprints after all that time.)
Nonetheless, the case remains under investigation by the 19th Precinct detective squad.
For some reason, people who drive mopeds-not all, but a number of them-seem to think of the vehicle as something between a bike (or perhaps even more so, a toy) and a car, and thus feel no obligation to conform to the city’s traffic laws.
Take, for example, the suspect driving a black Yamaha moped whom the cops arrested on April 3. He was heading southbound on Fifth Avenue around 9:50 a.m. when the police noticed that neither he nor his passenger were wearing helmets. Furthermore, they were driving in the bus lane.
The cops tried to pull them over, engaging both their lights and their siren. But the perp ignored them, running four red lights. Then he suddenly and recklessly-from the cops’ point of view-made a left turn onto 58th Street, coming within three feet of pedestrians crossing the street and displaying what the officers described as “substantial depraved indifference to human life.” (One may wonder if it’s possible to measure depraved indifference in degrees, but given what’s going on in the world these days, perhaps it is.)
The moped driver turned northbound on Madison Avenue (which is allowed), right onto 59th Street (which is also permissible), then turned northbound again onto Lexington Avenue-which, as students of the Big Apple well know, is an avenue where traffic heads inexorably south.
The cops gave up the chase at that point, for obvious reasons (there’s perhaps no greater sin a police officer can commit than to total his patrol car, which might well have occurred had they pursued the perp into oncoming traffic). However-lo and behold!-10 minutes later they spotted the perp at 58th Street and Grand Army Plaza.
The suspect was arrested for reckless endangerment, and his rider-
after being read her Miranda rights-decided to cooperate with the police and offered to write an affidavit detailing all the anti-social maneuvers her driver had pulled.
Ralph Gardner Jr. can be reached at email@example.com.