Move Over, Hoover: Stuff That Really Sucks

Yes, the holidays suck. They always do. But this year it’s worse than ever, especially if you live in New York City. From the Bronx to the Battery, obsessive New Yorkers are enthusiastically giving-and receiving-gifts that really suck. Literally.

Once you’ve experienced the suction power of a Dyson vacuum cleaner, there’s no going back. The brainchild of Brit wunder -adult James Dyson, this bagless super-appliance-which made a semiotically confounding appearance at the Imitation of Christ spring 2003 show-is currently extracting rave reviews from U.S. critics, including lint-phobic moi .

I recently had the opportunity to road-test this gorgeous, futuristic filth-fighter-it looks very Sigourney Weaver-in the privacy of my own living room. I willfully tossed a handful of chunky granola onto our made-in-Peru, Jonathan Adler–designed rug ($400 and up), then unleashed the mighty fury of a Dyson DC-07 upright. Within minutes, the groovy, see-through dust chamber was dappled with particles of my Shiloh Farms Raisin Nut wheat-free cereal ($5.29 at Healthy Pleasures), intermixed with a spectacular amount of Manhattan grunge. At $399.99 (from Conran or Dyson.com), the Dyson is a high-priced but utterly couture blowjob-highly recommended for post-Christmas pine-needle control.

This holiday suction frenzy extends way beyond the dusty kilims and Aubussons of New Yorkers. All over Manhattan, savvy chicks are praying that Santa will fly down the chimney proffering a pair of Brava suction cups. Cheaper and less scary than boob implants, the Brava Breast Enhancement and Shaping System is on every surgery-phobic Manhattanette’s Christmas list this year. Caution: The Brava system cannot deliver those gigantic porno-hooters that dudes seem to favor. Expect subtle changes only, and expect to invest hundreds of hours achieving them. In order to increase your bust a mere single cup size (i.e., to add 102 cc’s of new breast tissue), you must wear your Brava cups for 10 hours a day for a period of 10 weeks. Seven hundred hours of suction!

Here’s the good news: Anecdotal info from the girls at Allure, who tested those little suckers, indicates that the Brava cups not only feel fabulous, they actually increase your libido ! So deck the halls with bras and hormones! Call Upper East Side–based Brava specialist Dr. Bryan Forley at 861-3757 and book an appointment for a frigid, cash-poor, flat-chested friend. Expect to spend about $2,500.

Though raging, the Brava suction frenzy in no way equals the craze for “personal enlarging systems” among the insecure men of this city. My advice? Don’t put your willy inside one of those wacky pumps-no matter how embarrassingly small it is! Don’t get me wrong: I’ve never actually tried one. My aversion is based purely on the litany of unappetizing suction-related injuries-bruising, discoloration, water blisters, etc.- that litter every penis-pump Web site.

If you wish to give the gift of Priapus this Christmas-to yourself or a teeny chum-why not go the nonsuction organic route? Try the new herbal enlarging pill called Androenlarge ($115.80 for an eight-week course). Purchase from http://www.androenlarge.com or check out the demented, assaultive Androenlarge advertising on the penultimate page of the yearbook issue of Rolling Stone : “When women hear about your GIGANTIC MEMBER, and your intense thrusting power, your reputation will be changed forever …. “

If you find the above gift suggestions too sucky-or not sucky enough-why not give the gift that keeps on giving? I’m talking about treating your girlfriends to one of Lou Paget’s notorious oral-sex seminars. The $225 fee includes your very own Doc Johnson dildo-choose from white, mulatto or black-with a suction cup on the bottom to facilitate practicing. “I don’t like the word ‘dildo,'” said Ms. Paget, author of several best-selling books on orgasms, when I spoke to her in her L.A. office last week. “I call it ‘instructional product.'”

New York magazine’s Best Bets Daily diva, Rima Suqi, had a blast at Lou’s most recent New York appearance, “It took place in a Park Avenue office building,” she said. “There were 40 to 50 women, all taking notes. There was even a woman in her 60’s. We all sat there with our dildo stuck to the desk in front of us.” Ms. Suqi claims the whole experience was warm and fuzzy-a bonding thing. “There’s nothing like deep-throating a Doc Johnson in front of your girlfriends to bond you forever!” she said. Aaah !

Happy holidays and a sucky New Year to all my readers.

Move Over, Hoover: Stuff That Really Sucks