Opinions About Iraq From People Leaving a Monday Afternoon Screening of Kangaroo Jack on East 86th Street

Jared, Upper West Side:

“We couldn’t even get Osama. How are we going to get Saddam?”

Treyshawn, Harlem:

“Nah, nah, we shouldn’t go in there. We should have never gotten mixed up in the first place.”

Hans, Holland, the Netherlands:

“Bush is quite anxious to get him, but I think some good proof would make sense.”

-Alexandra Wolfe

Opinions About Iraq From People Leaving a Tuesday Morning Screening of The Guru on Second Avenue:

Sara, Upper East Side:

“I’m torn, but I think we should go into Iraq. I mean, something has to be done.”

Jeannie, Upper East Side:

“I think if we don’t go in now, something horrible’s going to happen over here. I hate war, I really do, but we have to stand up for our country and what we believe in, and I don’t think Bush would take us over there … if he didn’t know that we should be there. I support America.”

David, Upper East Side:

“There’s the U.N. Security Council-I don’t think anything’s going to happen. I think at the U.N., it will be vetoed by France and Germany, and we’ll be going in probably by ourselves and we’ll have to go against world opinion.”

-Alexandra Wolfe

Tinkle Time With Todd

The very hot har-har ticket in town right now is Tinkle: a comedy show Sunday nights at Pianos, a Lower East Side club, hosted by comedian Todd Barry with David Cross( Mr. Show ) and Jon Benjamin ( Dr. Katz ) and featuring big, famous drop-in guests like Sarah Silverman and Janeane Garofalo. We e-mailed some questions to Mr. Barry the other day, who was kind enough to e-mail back:

Hi Todd. Let’s start by getting one Oscar prediction from you.

This is easy. Graham Stark will get a retroactive Oscar for his portrayal of the “Amorous Van Driver” in 1967’s The Plank .

Are comics getting any more respect these days since that documentary Comedian came out?

Since Comedian , I’ve received thousands of apology e-mails from people who’ve heckled me in the past. They say things like “I never would’ve yelled ‘you suck’ had I been more informed about ‘the process.'”

Jerry Seinfeld sure had a nice private jet in that movie. What’s your private jet like?

Ouch. Sore subject. (The freezer that holds the ice cream for my MILE HIGH MAKE-YOUR-OWN SUNDAE BAR just sprung a freon leak.)

If you could have two minutes with The Bachelorette, what would you say to her?

I would challenge myself to win her affections without mentioning my mid-five-figure income or my one-bedroom apartment.

Tell the truth: What do you think of Jimmy Kimmel Live ?

I only saw one episode. I like the loose, no-monologue format, and Snoop Dogg was a great co-host. I could’ve written a “funny” answer, but you implored me to “tell the truth.”

Chris O’Donnell’s movie career has gone straight down the toilet since you started talking about him in your one-man show, Icky . Why?

If his career has, in fact, “gone straight down the toilet,” then how come I don’t see it floating around here in the sewer? That was me being self-deprecating. I’m actually super-successful.

What is this Tinkle thing?

It’s a little show I do with David Cross and Jon Benjamin. It’s basically an amalgamation and amalgam of various comedy genres and milieus. You heard me.

Is it true people have been waiting out in the cold for an hour to get inside?

You heard only an hour? That must have been on Super Bowl Sunday. Seriously, we’ve streamlined the admission process, so things move quicker now.

How often do people walk up to you and say, “Hey David, I really liked Mr. Show !”?

David and I don’t look anything alike. He was blessed with more height, while I was blessed with 20/20 vision. I do, however, get people coming up and asking me why I bit Holyfield’s ear off. Yes, I’m saying I look like Mike Tyson.

Valentine’s Day is coming up, Todd. Any plans?

I’m performing at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase. After the second show, I might go to a local Denny’s and watch the young lovers eat chicken fingers.

-Jason Gay

Keep It Gay

Casting notice sent out for an upcoming NBC/Bravo reality series called The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy , in which a team of trendy gay men will try and restyle real-life, hapless straight men:

“Do you have a husband, brother, boyfriend or colleague who can’t put together a decent ensemble, cook even the simplest meal or read literature not related to professional sports? Our team of world-renowned experts in the fields of fashion, interior design, grooming, food & wine and culture want to give free makeovers!!!

“Please put yourself and your style-challenged friend on VHS tape explaining why he wants/needs a makeover and send it no later than Feb. 5th to:

Barbara Barna Casting

335 Court Street

PMB #195

Brooklyn, NY 11231

(718) 855-9522

“Label all materials clearly with name and contact info. No tapes will be returned. Series shoots late February-June 2003 in the New York tri-state area-series premieres June, 2003.”

-Sridhar Pappu

Do You Have Brian Williams in a Can?

From a future broadcast of The Howard Stern Show :

HOWARD STERN: Well, yeah, she’s got a great pair of breasts. Fantastic. Now we’re going to take some calls.

GARY DELL’ABATE ( Stern’s producer ): We got a guy on the line who says he slept with three midgets last night.

STERN: Fantastic. Hello, who is this? You slept with three midgets?

CALLER: Yes I did. It was amazing.

STERN: Now tell me about it. How did you meet them?

CALLER: Well, I was at this bar, and I saw them walk in, and I walked right up to them, and I said, “DAN RATHER RULES! CBS NEWS ROCKS!”

STERN: What?

CALLER: You’re an idiot! Long live CBS News!

DELL’ABATE (interjecting ): That was a prank, Howard.

STERN: Apparently we got pranked, I’m sorry about that. Sorry. I apologize. You try to weed out those calls, but some still get through. What a jerk .

-Jason Gay Opinions About Iraq From People Leaving a Monday Afternoon Screening of Kangaroo Jack on East 86th Street