Earth’s Most Wanted

Here’s what we already liked about North Korean Kim Jong Il : those chipmunk cheeks, that Wayne Newton pouf of hair, that Prince Hal-ish, starved-for-respect nuclear aggression. Here’s what we really like: He shows up early for photo shoots. Kim arrived on set more than half an hour before schedule accompanied by his niece, Kimmie-a big Saddam Hussein fan, he said. As our stylist worked on those coal-colored locks, Kim regaled the crew with plutonium build-up jokes. “What does a guy have to do to get attention in this country?” he asked. “Dangle a baby off a balcony?”-Bob Anderson

When we hatched this photo idea, we weren’t even sure if Osama bin Laden was alive, never mind if he would show up for our spread. But less than a few days before the shoot, we received a late-night, crackling satellite call from “someplace in Afghanistan” telling us the Al Qaeda leader would be there. And for the kingpin of a terrorist organization, bin Laden had a surprisingly mild list of demands: a 10-minute prayer break, U.S. troops out of Saudi Arabia and two orchestra seats to Hairspray .-Lily Drummond

Terror mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed seemed a whole lot better during our shoot than the sleepy furball who showed up a few weeks later, arrested, on the front page of every newspaper in the world. During his time in Long Island City, Mohammed-who favored the Prada, our dressers said-spent most of his time chattering on a cell phone and huddling with bin Laden, whom he claimed he “hadn’t seen in months.”-Chas Matthiesen

For a man who’s about to face the full wrath of the United States military, Saddam Hussein seemed plenty relaxed upon his arrival at our set in a customized Bentley-“just like the one Affleck gave J. Lo,” said the Iraqi despot. He gave a warm embrace to Jacques Chirac and Kim Jong Il-he signed a copy of U.N. Resolution 1441 for little Kimmie-but ignored bin Laden (we paid attention). Later, he warmed up the crew with his dead-on Dan Rather impression (“Hotter than an armadillo ass in Austin!” he roared) and a batch of hand-rolled cigars from his pal Fidel Castro.-Angelica Reyers

The French were understandably curious why Jacques Chirac would be invited to appear with such a motley bunch, but that was nothing a case of Beaujoulais and a couple of Lenny Kravitz CD’s couldn’t fix. The French prime minister hopped a Concorde to J.F.K. and arrived straight from the airport, bringing his own wardrobe, mostly Hermès. Later, he’d leave the set in Hussein’s Bentley, and, according to Page Six , the pair wound the evening down over steak frites at Les Halles.-Misty Hewson

In a room full of alleged killers and confirmed killers, the 6-foot-4 Robert Chambers stood out as the creepiest. The recently released Preppy Murderer mostly kept to himself during the long shoot, though he told our stylists he was happy to be wearing some decent threads. “Anything beats that prison orange,” he explained as he threw on a bright ensemble. Crew members later confessed they avoided talking to him about their girlfriends and sisters.-Larry Benton

He may soon go from Our Gang to a chain gang, but accused murderer Robert Blake was in a happy mood when he arrived on set flanked by a pair of LAPD detectives. He gave some pointers about appearing on Barbara Walters to Phil Spector, and when Hussein insisted on referring to him as “Baretta,” Blake didn’t seem to mind the mistake. He predicted he would “beat this thing” and go on to star in the next Pluto Nash installment.-Ken Moy

Michael Jackson was the first to agree to our photo shoot, and, not surprisingly, the King of Pop had some appropriately royal demands: the top floor of the Plaza Athénée, a bath of honey and red rose petals warmed to exactly 81 degrees, Yvonne de Carlo’s entire film library and “whomever” he wanted inside F.A.O. Schwartz. But once he arrived, the King behaved like a Prince, singing happy birthday to members of the crew and even taking little Kimmie Jong Il for a spin in a miniature Austin Powers car with pals Vern Troyer, Elizabeth Taylor and a baby rhino named Zeus.-Jennifer Zem

We were pretty shocked that Phil Spector would agree to come to our shoot, but these are pretty shocking days for Phil Spector, the legendary pop producer who now stands accused of murder. Spector explained that he was “done with the recluse thing,” and he showed it, gabbing nonstop with Robert Blake and even working on an impromptu ballad with Michael Jackson, whom the slightly batty maestro compared to a “young Gregg Allman.”-Peter Hubbard

“I have no idea what I’m doing here,” said Sam Waksal when he showed up, dressed in a crisp white shirt and blue jeans. “Couldn’t you get Martha?” The disgraced ImClone executive has been in a lot of trouble lately, but if the Justice Department has its way, he may go down as the Man Whose Stock Brought Down Martha Stewart. Still, Waksal was upbeat, mulling recent Wall Street Journal editorials with Dennis Kozlowski and telling Chirac that Kozmo.com was planning a comeback.-Todd Watson

We knew he looked Hemingway-like on the mound, but who knew David Wells was a writer, too? The Yankee Quipper-who had his own scrape with the law, albeit on the defendant side, when a doofus fan punched him at a diner-was slimmed down from last September, and he attributed it to long hours spent with 10,000 monkeys at 10,000 typewriters pounding out his new book, Perfect I’m Not . “Plus that Zone deal,” Wells said.-Woody Pierce

Dennis Kozlowski was still trying to make his way through James Stewart’s riveting takedown of him in The New Yorker when he let our stylists go to work on him. Content with the “bad-boy thing,” as he termed it, the embattled ex-Tyco chief was happy when a black leather jacket was selected for him. “I won’t look like Paul Allen in this thing!” Kozlowski cried. “Can I bring it to Sun Valley?”-Mary Connelly

Matt Damon arrived from the Sundance Film Festival, where he was busily promoting Project Greenlight . The star of Good Will Hunting and The Bourne Identity is currently shooting Stuck on You , a Siamese-twins comedy from the Farrelly brothers.-Harry Burns

-Jason Gay

Earth’s Most Wanted