Eight Day Week

Wednesday 22nd No more Newlyweds ?! Is there any point to fall? Oh, so what if Jessica’s a moron, and

Wednesday 22nd

No more Newlyweds ?! Is there any point to fall? Oh, so what if Jessica’s a moron, and the supposedly “smarter” Nick is sucking honey from a beehive he just bombed with Raid, and there’s something immensely creepy about her dad, with his horrible highlight job, standing monitoring his daughter’s stiffening nipples as her “Sweetest Sin” video was filmed- at least the kids ain’t living in sin, like those sticky bohemians in the East Village …. Tonight, a bunch of Onion editors (transplanted some time ago from Madison, Wis. they love to act all “oh, the big city, me not understand your urbane ways)” converse with The Nation ‘s Eric Alterman , author of What Liberal Media? , a title that always makes us think, What sense of humor? Meanwhile, The Observer ‘s own frisky style expert, Simon Doonan , straightens his lapels and hops into a town car for another brand of satire entirely, the 2003 National Design Awards . Promised attendees include First Lady Laura Bush (not, alas, her Texas-Yalie spawn), bald-man mascot Moby and designers Carolina Herrera and Isaac Mizrahi (polka dots and just plain dotty, respectively). Special alert for World Series–attendin’, Lenny Kravitz–lovin’, always-gets-it-right Nicole Kidman .

[ The Onion Speaks, Tishman Auditorium, the New School University, 66 West 12th Street, 7 p.m., 212-229-5488; 2003 National Design Awards, Cooper-Hewitt, National Design Museum, 2 East 91st Street, 6:30 p.m., by invitation only.]

Thursday 23rd

Silvers me timbers! The New York Review of Books , the Nerve.com for the 50-and-over set, is celebrating its 40th anniversary! W e sicced special Eight-Day Week correspondent Elon R. Green on NYRB co-editor Bob Silvers -and baby, you won’t believe the fireworks that ensued! ” I have great trouble summing anything up,” declared Mr. Silvers from the lovably disheveled NYRB HQ (where women who don’t meet David Remnick’s standard of hotness toil for years as “editorial assistants” and “assistant editors”-recently, we understand, one was pulled from under a pile of unread manuscripts … ). “We’ve had marvelous pieces. I think that we’re essentially admirers of writers and great writing-we’re constantly looking for great writing from people we admire. ” Scribble, scribble …. Any regrets about publishing a positive review of a cr*ppy book, or a nasty review of one that became a classic? “I feel, frankly, that there are many, in every issue, that could be better …. I’m sure we’ve published things over the years that have been vulnerable to criticism, pieces that have been odd and wayward.” What’s the intellectual high point of his time there? “I don’t believe there has been one. Mary McCarthy -she went to Saigon, Hanoi … Norman Mailer …. We have published millions of words, thousands of reviews and hundreds of writers. It’s hard to single out this and that.” How ’bout those personals? “I hardly read them.” Sure ya don’t, sir, sure ya don’t …. Tonight, a bunch of crinkly literary depressives- William Styron, Gore Vidal, Joyce Carol Oates, Joan Didion , those kind of folk-were invited to hoist gigantic goblets of cheap Merlot and toast the lit’ry mag.

[The New-York Historical Society, 2 West 77th Street, 7 p.m., by invitation only, 212-873-3400.]

Friday 24th

Somewhere over the Rainbow Room: Go ahead, honey, you’ve earned it: Take the elevators at 30 Rock to ear-popping heights for the Gourmet Institute Welcome Gala. Queer Eye guy Ted Allen -the one with the square glasses who co-writes a column for Esquire (anyone still read Esquire ?)-will be “on hand,” as will actor Stanley Tucci; luscious, secretly quite buxom Gourmet editor Ruth Reichl; and a veritable buffet of celebu-chefs, including thinking-woman’s sex object Mario Batali , and Rocco DiSpirito , who we understand has given up making sandwiches in favor of cheap Italian delicacies …. Meanwhile, there’s no place like home if that home has a view of the park! Architectural Digest magazine (porn for those members of the pretentious, postmodern, post-40 set who are too impatient, or too “visual,” for aforementioned NYRB ) is opening a grand exhibit of Central Park condos featuring rooms by tippy-top interior designers like Mario Buatta . The Prince of Chintz has created a master bedroom with the theme “Under the Rainbow.” Proceeds from the three-week exhibit go to AIDS and juvenile-diabetes charities and Central Park. And, finally, out in the by-now-quite-chilly Hamptons: It’s the premiere of Born Rich , the new f*ckumentary from pharmaceutical heir Jamie Johnson. Despite or perhaps because of the profusion of fawning New York Times Styles section coverage, we can’t quite figure out if it’ll be worth shivering by the Jitney ….

[The Gourmet Institute Welcome Gala, the Rainbow Room, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, 65th floor, 7 p.m., 212-981-5130; Born Rich , the Hamptons International Film Festival, the Parrish Art Museum, Southampton, 7 p.m., 631-283-2118.]

Saturday 25th

We interview Peter Jennings! The occasion: Artwalk N.Y. , an event imported from Venice, Calif., this year honoring Yoko Ono and chaired by the ABC anchor and erstwhile Canadian, Peter Jennings. “I tell them every year that they can throw me out, and they haven’t thrown me oot yet!” said Mr. Jennings, that old smoothie, when we caught him in the studio near “crunch time.” “It benefits the Coalition for the Homeless, which is very appropriate because artists, even if they are very successful, understand-intuitively even-what it is like to be down on your luck.” Unless they’re trust-funded artists, of course …. Show up tonight and pelt Ms. Ono with questions, then bid on some art at prices Mr. Jennings calls “very reasonable”-and he should know! “I wouldn’t call myself a collector necessarily, but I do enjoy it ,” he said. “The auction is fast and furious and wonderful. It’s elegant but not fancy. It is eclectic and never snooty. Never snooty. You get a lot of hip types, if that’s the word. The dinner is a slightly walkabout affair. It’s like a scrum, if you will, and this year’s dinner chair is Jann Wenner. It’s all very exciting.” Yes, back before we were born, we understand that Matt Nye fellow caused a “scrum” or two ….

[Great Hall, Cooper Union, Cooper Square, Seventh Street and Third Avenue, noon, 212-608-5999.]

Sunday 26th

Manhattan falls ass-backwards one hour for daylight saving time, which always has a profound effect on the collective sex lives of Manhattanites. ( Oh, and in case you missed New York magazine’s big splashy “sex” issue, here’s the gist of it: “Men like porn.” ) If you can’t find a willing lady or gentleman, there are always sweet, innocent autumnal pleasures like prowling the pumpkin patch in Historic Richmond Town-that’s in Staten Island, which had a good shot at being the next Williamsburg until that horrific ferry accident.

[Decker Farm, Historic Richmond Town, Staten Island, 11 a.m. to 4 p.m., 718-351-1611.]

Monday 27th

Judd or Hudson? Those sucky Sox are long gone, but tonight at the Hudson Hotel -a cool place to hang for about a minute in, what was it, 2000?-“Masshole” Denis Leary (buddy, we would’ve been sooo sweet if you’d called at the appointed hour as promised!) is showing up at a benefit for the Leary Firefighters Foundation , an event that will doubtless be swarmed by all those somewhat odious upper-middle-class women who claimed a “firefighter fetish” post–Sept. 11 …. Well, it’s for a good cause. Bid to golf in Scotland with foppish actor Hugh Grant or sip tea with his sultry ex, Liz Hurley , not in that order …. Also tonight, Ashley Judd -currently playing a “cat” in heat on Broadway-hosts a benefit gala for YouthAIDS. Sister Wynonna (the plump one) sings. Actor Blair Underwood (break me off a piece of that), whose career moved past the latency period this year thanks to a recurring role on Sex and the City, M.C.’s.

[2003 YouthAIDS Benefit Gala, Capitale, 130 Bowery, 6 p.m., 202-543-9700; Bash for N.Y.’s Bravest, Hudson Hotel, 356 West 58th Street, 8 p.m., 212-343-0240.]

Tuesday 28th

Diller chiller: Is it Halloween yet? P. (“I invented the remix”) Diddy’s training for the marathon, Al (“I invented the Internet”) Gore is trying to be the new Barry Diller, and the real Barry Diller- whom Tina Brown introduced as the “Daddy Cool of American Business” on her Topic [A] show as we watched in horror -is chatting with the editors of Wired magazine (small, bespectacled fellows with wire-rimmed glasses) at an event called ” Wired Icons.” Meanwhile, downtown, Cindy Sherman -“icon” of women’s- and gender-studies majors everywhere before they discovered that swell artist Madonna -signs her new book, The Complete Untitled Film Stills , a compilation of her work from the rumply late 1970’s. And lurching back to midtown: The late actress Grace Kelly, sort of the Nicole Kidman of her day , will be remembered at the Princess Grace Awards, which is hosted by ageless, glittery song-and-dance gal Ann Reinking. Prince Albert will bring his receding hairline. Classy stuff.

[ Wired Icons, 92nd Street Y, 1395 Lexington Avenue, 8 p.m., 212-415-5500; Cindy Sherman, MoMA Design Store, Soho, 81 Spring Street, 6 p.m., 212-708-9696; 2003 Princess Grace Awards Gala, Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, 301 Park Avenue, 6 p.m., 212-317-1470.]

Wednesday 29th

Yalie had a Stroke! A rare page from our personal album: One of the underwashed, overrated Strokes dated our classmate when we were freshmen in college. They broke up second semester, when he could no longer manage to get his lazy heinie on the Metro-North to New Haven. “I think he’s starting a band or something,” she told us at the time. The nameless gent (see photo) and the rest of them play tonight at the Garden, leaving a strong trail of Drew Barrymore’s patchouli fumes in their wake.

[The Strokes, Theater at Madison Square Garden, 8 p.m., 212-465-MSG1.] Eight Day Week