You are so annoying! It’s virtually impossible to buy presents for self-obsessed shopaholic New Yorkers like you, who have invariably already bought yourselves everything you might ever want, long before Santa has Vaselined his big butt down your chimney.
This year, I will be reorienting my gift-giving priorities: Instead of worrying about exceeding your unexceedable expectations, I will be prioritizing my own feelings and emotions. In lieu of worrying about blasé friends, I will be focusing on my own entertainment. God knows the holidays can be depressing! So, I have chosen items whose giving is guaranteed to titillate moi .
This year, don’t even think of handing over your credit card unless you are convulsed with amusement.
Here are my top eight auto-amusement picks:
1. For childless couples only! A $175 Michael Jackson singing telegram . Apart from being a wonderful Yuletide reminder of our innocent-until-proven-guilty legal system, this gift includes a strong charitable component, i.e., a paying gig for a Michael Jackson impersonator who has just been hit by a 100 percent earnings drop. Log onto www.singingtelegramsnyc.com or call Jon at 212-234-7006. F.Y.I., the Michael Jackson impersonator also does a mean Liza.
2. The Paris Hilton video . There’s nothing festive about watching an undereducated, downwardly aspirational heiress embracing porno chic-uh, wait … yes, there is! For extra chuckles, buy the Paris tape as a warning for laissez-faire parents who are cutting their kids too much slack, thereby precipitating their descent into a Parisian abyss. For legal reasons, I can’t tell you exactly how and where to purchase a copy-but if you click and drag long enough, you should be able to figure it out.
3. A Kazakh herdsman’s hat . These unbelievably flamboyant chapeaux are made from the pelts of foxes caught by eagles: yes, eagles! Writer, bon viveur and hat importer Ed Helmore fell in love with these exotic accessories while living with the eagle-hunters of Kazakh, on the desolate steppe near the Chinese border. The herdsmen really hunt with golden eagles, which Ed claims were domesticated before the dog. Starting at $500, the hats come in silver fox, white fox, natural and wolf, and they’re available at Auto, 805 Washington Street, 212-229-2292, or privately from Mughal at 170 East 78th Street, 917-294-4418-sale today! Your amusement, in case you were wondering, will come from watching your über- trendy recipient AbFab -bing his/her way round holiday cocktail parties explaining the exotic provenance of his/her massive Genghis Khan hat over and over again.
4. Commission a portrait by Carter Kustera , $200 and up. Pick out your gift recipient’s gnarliest trait, and Carter will immortalize it in one of his signature silhouette/text portraits (e.g., “Bob says he’s normal”; “Audrey slows down to look at construction workers”; “Anne had a funeral for her pet cat, Tippy”; or “Sue just hopes everyone bad will go away”). Call him at 212-226-1541 or shoot an electronic message to firstname.lastname@example.org.
5. Quite possibly the most hilarious gift on the list, the Hair-Cutting Umbrella from the Harriet Carter catalog (distinctive gifts since 1958) is great for home haircuts (it catches the wisps as they fall), but also fabulously apropos for friends who have become-as we all tend to with advancing age-messy eaters. Call 800-377-7878 or order online at www.harrietcarter.com.
6. For a tough lesbian with a secret yearning for trendy designer accessories, there’s only one gift: a Takashi Murakami soccer ball , $398 from Barneys.
7.A Jonathan Adler America mirror . Presenting this pop-patriotic symbol to Yankophobic lefty chums guarantees an inordinate amount of pleasure. The hand-poured lacquer America mirror measures 32 by 26 inches and is available in red, white or blue at Jonathan Adler, 47 Greene Street, 212-941-8950.
8.The gift that keeps on giving: a Zabar’s kosher salami gift box . For a mere $23.96 plus shipping, you can send a pair of two-pound salamis to a friend in need.
Yo ho ho!