Eight Day Week

Wednesday 14th

It takes a big man to read about pussycats , and there’s none bigger than Vogue ‘s editor at large, André Leon Talley . Tonight, swathed in Ralph Lauren , he reads from Edward Lear’s The Owl and the Pussycat while members of the Martha Graham Dance Company stomp and twirl. Tonight, you get fed , too. Meanwhile, the earliest obtainable copy of Hamlet (copyright 1611!) has been plucked from the estate of Mary, Viscountess Eccles . Wethinks you should bid on it tonight at Christie’s and, if you win, take it home and highlight the good parts .

[ The Owl and the Pussycat , City Center, 7 p.m., West 55th Street, between Sixth and Seventh avenues, 212-581-1212; Christie’s auction, 20 Rockefeller Plaza, 2 p.m., 212-636-2680.]

Thursday 15th

Brazil’s answer to Calvin Klein, Tufi Duek , is pawning off his sassy jeans and spring collection this week for petty cash. Mr. Duek has captured the hearts and bottoms of some of our most ass-tastic lasses: Jessica Simpson , Meg Ryan and Mischa Barton , whose fine English manners can’t be covered up with that fake Americano accent. In other news, Siberian super-siren Irina Pantaeva told us she has made it her “lifetime project to be an ambassador to Siberia” and to harness all the “spirits and energy that brought me to New York.” While she was doing all that, she discovered the paintings and sculptures of fellow Buryat artist Dashi Namdakov . Tonight, she shows him off to her illustrious friends at Tibet House. Used up your culture vouchers for the day? Head over to the neighborhood of NoChel, where Ben Leventhal , the man behind shelovesnewyork.com, takes a break from sending out perplexing mass e-mails to throw a party at Bungalow 8 . And you’re not invited! Here’s the dealio: Mr. Leventhal invites 10 of his friends , who get to invite 10 of their friends (and so on, and so on). If you’re a chosen one, even maître d’oor Armin can’t stop you. So subversive, yet so underscored by Harrison and Shriftman .

[Tufi Duek Sample Sale, Tufi Duek Showroom, 530 Broadway, 10th floor, April 14 to 16,

9:30 to 7 p.m.; Dashi Namdakov opening

reception, Tibet House U.S., 22 West 15th Street, 6 to 8 p.m. 212-807-0563, by invitation only; Bungalow 8 First Ever Happy Hour!, 515 West 27th Street, by strict invitation only.]

Friday 16th

Bollywood tops Hollywood at the Asia Society today , where you’ll be with director Mira Nair who just wrapped production on a film version of Thackeray’s Vanity Fair with non-Bollywood cheesecake Reese Witherspoon . Then head down the road to the “posh” Park Avenue Armory for the New York Antiquarian Book Fair , start a bidding war over Marlon Brando’s original script from Viva Zapata! , but end up overpaying for a tattered version of The Second Sex that you could have gotten at the Strand for 245 bucks less. Downtown, it’s an art happening! Deitch Projects -the gallery that courts As Four more ferociously than Paper magazine-hosts a “work in progress” ( translation : even they don’t know where they’re going with this), culminating in a live performance. Conceptual multi-taskers Chicks on Speed -who met at art school in Munich , play instruments badly, “customize” their clothes and know how to work in HTML -try to re-create a pacifist beer-hall putsch .

[“Bollywood and Beyond,” Asia Society and Museum, 725 Park Avenue, noon, 212-517-ASIA; New York Antiquarian Book Fair, Park Avenue Armory, Park Avenue and 67th Street, noon to 8 p.m.,

212-930-0730; Chicks on Speed: It’s a Project , Deitch Projects, 18 Wooster Street, 8 p.m., 212-343-7300.]

Saturday 17th

Kisses? Lies? Rather than using them up on your next date , unfurl your wad of bills and do some good by attending the Children’s Aid Society’s film-noir-themed benefit, “Suspicions: A Night of Kisses, Lies and Private Eyes.” Meanwhile, if you’d like to slip into Richard Gere’s pants , the American Museum of the Moving Image is displaying costumes from Chicago , from the duds Mr. Gere wore in the “Razzle Dazzle” number to Renée Zellweger’s size-two wisps to Queen Latifah’s more roomy outfits …. It’s all in preparation for Tuesday’s “Salute to Gere,” which is taking place at Paris and Nicky’s house (the Waldorf Astoria). Wynona Ryder , her community service all sewn up, may drop by. So stop in for the costumes-you never know who might invite you to the real party.

[“Suspicion: A Night of Kisses, Lies, and Private Eyes, Children’s Aid Society 12th Annual Benefit Gala, Altman Building,

135 West 18th Street, 9 p.m., 212-949-4936; Chicago costumes, American Museum of the Moving Image, 35th Avenue at 36th Street, Astoria, Queens, 11 a.m. to 6:30 p.m.]

Sunday 18th

Hillary and Monica both did spit takes when they heard there was a new play out called Little Willy , but it turns out it’s not about the former President, but rather is based on the true story of William Patrick Hitler , a bastard child of Adolf’s brother, Alois . After being shunned by Uncle Adolf, Willy came to America in 1939, wrote an article for Look titled “Why I Hate My Uncle,” signed with the William Morris Agency, performed lecture tours throughout the U.S. and partied. “It’s about a guy who, like many people now, are looking to belong to something,” said creator/producer Mark Kassen , a giddy 32. “The media-at-large is his tool to reach out and belong to people. It’s more about Paris Hilton than the Holocaust.” Try embroidering that one on a pillow. “Adolf hated him. It’s the idea that everyone has a really annoying doofus nephew, including Hitler.” Is it true that Hitler’s only surviving relatives are living on Long Island and have made a pact not to have children in order to stop the Führer ‘s blood line? “Yes! Those were Willy’s sons. It’s a pretty cool reveal, isn’t it?” It was, until you used the phrase “a pretty cool reveal,” dude …. Meanwhile, it’s benefit season: Today is the M.S. Walk, so get out your Pumas and checkbooks .

[ Little Willy , HERE Arts Center, 145 Avenue of the Americas, 7 p.m., 212-868-4444; 2004 M.S. Walk, meet at South Street Seaport, check-in at 9:30 a.m., walk starts at 11 a.m., 212-463-9791 or www.msnyc.org for info.]

Monday 19th

Plum’s pudding: Plum Sykes -a leftover from the British invasion , and kind of the Tropic of Cancer to her twin Lucy’s Tropic of Capricorn-has banged out a book. It’s called Bergdorf Blondes , and it’s about Upper East Side frosted flakes. Says Plum: “I was out there reporting for Vogue , and I’d be interviewing all sorts of chic society girls who would say hilarious things like, ‘If I don’t go to the hairdresser every 13 days, my life will be over.’ I wanted to write it down somewhere, but I can’t put it in Vogue , because Vogue isn’t a comedy magazine.” (Wanna bet?) She was calling from Miramax, where she was “taking some meetings.” “Darling,” she continued, “I’d love a possible movie development! You constantly have people calling your agent about it, but until someone is actually really, really serious about it, I’m just not taking that much notice. Hollywood is very fickle. It’s like the tide-in out, in out. But if you catch the tide, that’s O.K. That’s what it’s all about .” The book, about a fashion-mag writer named Moi who gets dumped by her artist fiancé, is veddy similar to Ms. Sykes’ life (“I think it’s better if everyone’s left wondering,” she said), and neither the author nor the main character is blond. “It’s a hell of a lot of maintenance; I couldn’t deal with the appointments. I am a brunette.” But isn’t twin sister Lucy blond? “I don’t know.” You don’t know? “You don’t know, she doesn’t know, none of us know. She looks blond now.” We asked whether the title constitutes trademark infringement. “No-Bergdorf was thrilled! The book says Bergdorf is sex! Did you get to that bit?” Errrr …. ” They were always very much flattered , as are the sort of chic society girls-who, frankly, helped me because I had to ring them up and ask them about it. I got all that stuff from the horse’s mouth . They’re in on the joke that they’re a joke . I’d call them up and ask, ‘How sharp does the corner of your cocktail napkin really have to be?’ They’d tell me and start laughing, because they know the things they’re obsessed with are frivolous. Everyone’s quite complicit with their lives, but they’re also complicit with the joke -gawd, does that make sense?” Then she laughed in that silly post-post-post-feminist way. Bonus dirty excerpt, complete with slightly unappetizing sexual image: “Zach was super-attentive in all the right places …. I felt compelled to let Julie know that the romance was going absolutely brilliantly again and that we were whipping up some very serious tiramisu on that sofa.” At the Copa, Copa-ca- ban -a , the cast of Wicked performs and raises money for the City Lights Youth Theatre. Leave before a house falls on your date . If you’re still with us, Tony Randall is in bed recovering from surgery, so he’s sending his go-to guy, Jack Klugman , to “A Broadway Frolic” benefit to hand out the annual Odd Couple Award. On a somber note, Dan Rather , Tina Brown , Hendrik Hertzberg and Howell Raines gather at Barnes and Noble to read from the collected articles and columns writtenbybelovedlatejournalist Michael Kelly .

[ Bergdorf Blondes reading, Lenox Hill Bookstore, 1018 Lexington Avenue, 6:30 p.m., 212-472-7170; City Lights Youth Theater benefit, the Copacabana, 560 West 34th Street, 6 p.m., 212-262-0200; “A Broadway Frolic 2004” benefit, Plaza Hotel, 6:30 p.m., 212-997-0100; Michael Kelly remembered, Barnes and Noble, 2289 Broadway, 7:30 p.m., 212-362-8835.]

Tuesday 20th

Go easy on the Sopranos references: The National Italian American Foundation honors Yogi Berra, Ernest Borgnine and others. Danny Aiello brings Tony Bennett , who brings his daughter Antonia Bennett , who performs. Liza Minnelli , who’s -“still got the pipes!-and looking like a million bucks!” , according to our Big-Cheese Editor-shows up and passes out a music scholarship. Meanwhile, “hip” Nerve couples -as part of their constant attempts to prove they’re not prudes -shove their clove cigarettes into their jeans and head to the DVD-release party for porn star Gina Lynn’s Gina Lynn Presents Strippers Down ‘n’ Dirty at the Gold Club downtown.

[The National Italian-American Foundation East Coast gala, the Grand Hyatt New York, Park Avenue at Grand Central Terminal, 6 p.m., 202-939-3114; Gina Lynn DVD-release party, Gold Club, 225 East Houston Street, 8 p.m., 212-245-5909.]

Wednesday 21st

We didn’t donate a dollar to the animal shelter when they asked at Petco yesterday and, you know, karma, so tonight we crash the Rainforest Foundation Benefit Concert and smuggle in our parakeets , even though we’re not sure if parakeets even come from the rain forest (we went to public school) …. Make your way through the disenchanted forest and head to the main ballroom, where Elton John prances in from Las Vegas to sing “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend.” James Taylor strums and sings for those who find Elton just a bit too mauve …. Also swinging from the vines tonight are Sting and wife Trudie Styler , who produced the show, joined by actor couple Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith and solo Billy Joel (who’d better get a good prenup). If you really couldn’t care less because you’re redoing your mahogany floors for the second time this year , head to Gramercy Park, where Paul Sorvino receives the Medal of Honor in Film at the National Arts Club. Expected attendees include Henry Kissinger and Oliver Stone (oh boy, here we go).

[The Rainforest Foundation Benefit Concert, Carnegie Hall, 154 West 57th Street, 7 p.m., 212-245-6570; Paul Sorvino honored, Tilden Mansion, 15 Gramercy Park South, cocktails at 6:30 p.m., dinner at 7:30 p.m., 212-475-3424.] Eight Day Week