Eight Day Week

Wednesday 14th

More proof the French should stay in France, with the exception of that genius-y Daniel Boulud (double air kiss!): It’s Bastille Day, commemorating the fall of Bastille , wherever that is- we went to public school -so one thing you can count on today is a crew of frog waiters running around town totally wasted. Make the best of it and say bonjour to Union Square Café’s plucky pastry chef, Emily Isaac , who’s teaching Manhattan’s organic young ones how to make crêpes and soufflés using ingredients from the Greenmarket. “We’re supposed to be doing peaches and stone fruits that day, but I’m a little nervous because I haven’t seen any yet at the market,” Ms. Isaac said. Merde! Later, Vanity Fair editors sell what’s left of their sorry souls and help launch Abercrombie & Fitch ‘s new A&F “magazine,” a catalog that looks like a spank book, and Will Smith takes on Spidey and Michael Moore at the premiere of I, Robot , co-starring the beautiful if underfed Bridget Moynahan. Plot involves robots taking over the earth, Will saving the day, etc. (Here’s hoping he brings tiny wife Jada Pinkett to the after-party-she’s a pistol!)

[Kids Morning Market Meetings, Union Square Cafe, 21 East 16th Street, 8:30 to

11 a.m., 212-989-3510, ext. 24; A&F magazine launch, Hotel Gansevoort, rooftop,

18 Ninth Avenue, 8 to 11 p.m., by invitation only; I, Robot , Beekman Theater, 1254

Second Avenue, 7:30 p.m., Lever House,

390 Park Avenue, both by invitation only.]

Thursday 15th

Get High! For some reason, the High Line , a 1.45-mile elevated rail structure on Manhattan’s West Side, is beating out starving kids in Africa and rain forests as the cause de jour among the city’s power elite; that is, if your definition of “power elite” includes actor Kevin Bacon ( currently redefining self as creepy character actor ; catch him in forthcoming child-molestation flick that wowed them at Sundance!) and hotelier Andre Balazs (Uma’s rebound man) …. Tonight, Colors editorial director Kurt Andersen selects something from his by-now-quite-impressive collection of coordinated socks and moderates a panel of four architectural firms squabbling over the High Line-is it just us, or has the city gone architecture- mad in the wake of the debates over the World Trade Center space? All these earnest Euros in wire-rimmed glasses running around ….

[“4 Teams 4 Visions,” Center for Architecture, 536 LaGuardia Place, 6 p.m., 212-258-6111.]

Friday 16th

Pool parties! So oil heiress Patty Raynes -likes horsies and lives in Southampton-is serving up some pinktinis for fashion designer Douglas Hannant, who’ll be showing off his new resort collection at a swishy trunk show. When exactly, we wonder, did “resort” and summer morph into separate seasons? “We dress differently down there,” Mr. Hannant said, “there” being Palm Beach. Ms. Raynes belongs to the “0.5 percent of the population who can afford my clothes,” he added with-was that a sniff ? “The collection will be all about the jet set in Acapulco -you know, when you really got dressed up to travel.” As opposed to wearing Juicy Couture to the airport. Over in Bridgehampton , a.k.a. “the Bridge,” Barbara and Bunky Hearst (not to be confused with lit’ry agent Binky Urban) fling open the doors of their sprawling pad, which features a 130-foot balcony. Actor Roy Scheider will be stopping by to raise a flute to Ellen Adler , daughter of Stella and former flame of Marlon Brando. “We were never lovers!” Ms. Adler told us. ” We were sweethearts . I mean, he had a lot of different girlfriends …. His death is like a crater hitting . In Death Valley, where we went together a long time ago, there is the Hoobie Hoobie crater: a huge gaping hole. That’s what this feels like.” Keep her off the 130-foot balcony. Finally, if you’re lucky enough not to be stuck in the Hamptons, rub shoulders with other young “collectors” vying for affordable art-photos, paintings, under 600 bucks-at Jen Bekman’s Pin Up Redux show in Soho, New Jersey’s newest suburb .

[Douglas Hannant 2004 resort collection preview, Raynes residence, Southampton, 12:30 p.m., by invitation only; Alchimia, Hearst residence, wouldn’t you like to know? , Bridgehampton, 5:30 p.m., by invitation only; Pin Up Redux , Jen Bekman, 6 Spring Street, noon to 5 p.m., 212-219-0166.]

Saturday 17th

The Wells of loneliness: Squeeze into your casually wrinkled “manpris” (Capri pants for guys) and wander over to the season’s only proper clambake , if there is such a thing, at the summer abode of Allure editor Linda Wells and her husband, Charlie Thompson. You’re not invited, but luckily the Eight-Day Week is a total glossy-magazine whore and still has a November 2002 Allure containing a bit on “How to Crash a Party.” Give Ms. Wells a dose of her own medicine by (we’re paraphrasing here): 1) Pretending to argue with a friend at the door (no one stops a couple in the middle of a fight); 2) feigning celebrity by having a friend ask for your autograph; 3) asking the door Nazi where the restroom is, saying you’re having “a bit of an emergency.” … Back in da boroughs, our commercial real-estate reporter puts a glowstick in his trousers and pops up at P.S. 1’s Saturday-afternoon rave with thumpetty-thump-thumps brought to you by hip-hop’s shadowy whiz kid, D.J. Spinna.

[Clambake, Thompson residence, Southampton, 7:30 p.m., by invitation only; “Warm Up,” P.S. 1, 22-25 Jackson Avenue, Long Island City, 3 to 9 p.m., 718-784-2084.]

Sunday 18th

Ponies, phonies: For all you fans of antiquated elitist “sports,” the Mercedes-Benz Bridgehampton Polo thingie started yesterday. Stephanie Seymour alert goes to red, men named “Chance” and “Alistaire” swing big mallets, and mojito hos primp and preen. “So there’s beautiful steeds cavorting on a green pitch and nobody’s watching them!” shrugged our favorite Hamptons publicist, Steve Haweeli. “They’re watching each other in the V.I.P. tent seeing who’s wearing Gucci, who’s got the Cole Haan shoes and is that a Tiffany necklace ? What always kills me about this is, there’s the distinct odor of horse manure because it’s everywhere, so when you’re wearing those f- m-pumps, step lightly, lassie!” We’ll say! From polo, back to Brando: “He’s a tragic figure, a bit like Orson Welles , I think,” opined Catherine Perebinossoff , Citibank employee turned historian, who’s leading a walking tour of Marlon Brando’s New York City today. “He was once an elevator operator at a department store,” she said. “The department store has since met an unkindly end, but I’ll give you a hint. It was featured in Godfather Part 1.” (Um, Gimbel’s?) “He lived with this disregard for a whole slew of things,” continued Ms. Perebinossoff. “It wasn’t even conformity to nonconformity, because it was on a much higher plane. His apartment was almost bare, and it was a Grand Central Station for other actors and intellectuals, who were welcome to stay for weeks if they wanted.” Um, how many people lead walking tours that require MetroCards?

[Mercedes-Benz Polo Challenge, 849 Hayground Road, Bridgehampton, 4 to 6 p.m., 212-421-1367; Marlon Brando’s New York City, meet at 155 West 58th Street, 1 p.m., 212-475-6914.]

Monday 19th

Dial M for Moron: That one unemployed friend of yours who can never get his sh*t together and is always hitting you up for coke money comes in handy tonight: Send him and a blanket and some hummus to stake an early claim at Bryant Park’s “Mondays at Sunset” film series, sponsored by HBO (are they still the “It” channel? Anyone?). The lawn opens at 5 p.m. and there’s no booze allowed , but you know that has never stopped us! Tonight, marvel at the late, lovely Grace Kelly in Dial M for Murder , which was later remade into a Gwyneth Paltrow film that is not worth discussing . Watch in dismay as your fellow New Yorkers do a dumb-ass jig during the circa-1987 HBO theme-song opener.

[ Dial M for Murder , Bryant Park, Sixth Avenue and 41st Street, lawn opens at 5 p.m., www.bryantpark.org for details.]

Tuesday 20th

Vogue editors cross bridge! At long last, the thinking woman’s Kmart, Target (a.k.a. Tar-jay, Targetto), has bulldozed into Brooklyn via Flatbush Avenue. To celebrate the fact that Manhattanites no longer have to schlep to the chain’s branches in Queens, there’s going to be a boardwalk-style basheroo tonight with hot-dog stands, popcorn carts and discounted shopping! In case you’re under a rock or something: Target sells kicky basics from Isaac Mizrahi , “Swell” housewares from power pals Cynthia Rowley and Ilene Rosenzweig (can the latter please tell her hubby Rick Marin to stop writing about his hard-ons in The Times “Sunday Styles” section?) and fancy tea kettles by Michael Graves. Paul Sevigny , who is actress Chloë ‘s brother and reminds one vaguely of a cocker spaniel, will D.J., while lush-lipped, foul-mouthed comedienne Sandra Bernhard (wo)mans the mike. Keep it clean, sister! We’ll linger till performers from the Coney Island Circus Sideshow start nailing body parts to wooden planks, etc., then slum out even further to Joisey, where 80’s pop-metal band Poison is washing ashore to open for Kiss.

[Target grand opening, 139 Flatbush Avenue, Brooklyn, 8 to 11 p.m., by invitation only; Poison and Kiss concert, PNC Bank Arts Center, Holmdel, New Jersey, 7 p.m., 732-203-2500, ext. 3714.]

Wednesday 21st

Yoko speaks! Printed Matter, a Marxist nonprofit organization (yes, there are still some left) that tries to interpret the “cultural context” of everyday mass objects (lipstick = phallic symbol = oppression of women, blah blah blah ), is throwing a Yoko Ono retrospective. We (big “get”!) found Ms. Ono just hanging out at her Upper West Side studio (sadly, Sean didn’t seem to be there). “It is a worldwide phenomenon that people don’t have any more trust for politicians,” she said. “We must understand that there are no longer any big daddies we can rely on : Instead of believing in one hero, each one of us has to be a hero . Negative thinking is simply a luxury we cannot afford.” Later, in unrelated news, More magazine (for the discerning mid-lifer) and the Wilhelmina modeling agency have been excitedly combing the country for menopausal mannequins and-hot flash!-you can see the finalists of this competition vie for some big prize tonight at Chelsea Piers.

[ Yoko Ono: Editions, Ephemera and Printed Works , Printed Matter, 535 West 22nd Street, 5 to 7 p.m., 212-925-0325; More & Wilhelmina Plus-40 Model Search, the Lighthouse, Pier 61, 7 to 10 p.m., by invitation only.] Eight Day Week