John Kerry’s Straight Talk

“We’re all God’s children. And I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney’s daughter, who is a lesbian,

“We’re all God’s children. And I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney’s daughter, who is a lesbian, she would tell you that she’s being who she was. She’s being who she was born as. Which is a lesbian. All of us need to feel comfortable being who we are, even if someone happens to be a lesbian, which is what Dick Cheney’s daughter is. Even if a young woman prefers to have sex with other women, like Dick Cheney’s daughter does, she should feel comfortable. Being a lesbian. This really underscores the problem with the American health care system. It’s not working for the American family. And it’s gotten worse under President Bush over the course of the last years. Especially if you’re a lesbian, like Dick Cheney’s daughter. Let’s say you’re a lesbian, like Dick Cheney’s daughter, and you need to see a doctor because your partner—let’s say she’s a bull-dyke—say one of her cats bit you. So you’re a lesbian with a cat bite—I’m sure at some point in her life, Dick Cheney’s daughter, who is a lesbian, was bitten by another lesbian’s cat—maybe they were having a sort of lesbian party, talking about how awful men are, how they want to castrate all men, and one of the bull dyke’s cats got overstimulated and lunged at Dick Cheney’s daughter, who is a lesbian, and so Dick Cheney’s daughter, being a lesbian with a cat bite, needs to see a doctor. So she and her bull dyke hop in their Subaru, they’ve got the Melissa Etheridge playing, or those Indigo Girls, as they drive to the doctor, but then they find out that under George Bush’s health-care plan, a lesbian like Dick Cheney’s daughter will have a hard time being reimbursed, so then you have an angry lesbian on your hands, a steaming mad dyke, not even a cup of chamomile tea is going to calm this lesbian down. Now I respect chamomile tea—I was raised a Catholic, I grew up a Catholic, I was an altar boy, and we probably had some of those pissed-off lesbian types coming to church, though I don’t know if Dick Cheney’s daughter, the lesbian, goes to church, if she puts on a really nice flannel shirt and goes to church, or if instead she takes part in lesbian, or pagan, rituals—orgies, I guess some people call them—but I’m sure that when she went to the next lesbian ritual, after the cat bite, Dick Cheney’s daughter told the other lesbians about the cat bite and how she couldn’t get reimbursed by the insurance company—not that she could see their faces, because from what I understand, at these lesbian rituals they all wear hoods of some sort, and there’s usually a mandolin or something, music playing, because lesbians like to dance with each other … and some of them probably look very much like men, now I don’t know if Dick Cheney’s daughter is one of those mannish type of lesbians, or if she is more the feminine type who enjoys sex with a mannish woman, but as a very gay lesbian, I’m sure Dick Cheney’s daughter was wearing the latest lesbian fashions, though presumably she’d have a bandage on the cat bite, a bandage which her bull-dyke lover probably put on, so you’ve got a room full of very angry lesbians in hoods, a few of them playing the mandolin, or flutes, now my faith affects everything I do and choose, there’s a great passage in the Bible that says, ‘What does it mean, my brother, to say you have faith if there are no deeds?’ Faith without works is dead. And I think everything you do in public life has to be guided by your faith. Now I’m not saying that Dick Cheney’s daughter, who is a lesbian, burned a Bible at this ritual—it’s possible another of the lesbians, who are friends and probably sex partners of Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter, burned the Bible, it was probably dark and hard to tell which of the very angry lesbians tossed the Good Book into the flames. But the first and most important thing is to start creating jobs in America. The jobs the President is creating pay $9,000 less than the jobs we’re losing. And this is the first President in 72 years to preside over an economy in America that has lost jobs—1.6 million jobs. Take 5 percent of that, and you’ve got 80,000 lesbians out of work, very angry lesbians, could be on the brink of a riot, spurred on by Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter, ’cause by now that cat bite is very likely infected. But let me just say to America, I am not proposing a government-run program. That’s not what I have—I have Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Senators and Congressman have a wide choice. Americans ought to have it, too. Ask yourselves: Do we really want to live in a country of angry lesbians with untreated puncture wounds, right down the street from you? I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney’s daughter, who is a lesbian, she would tell you no.”

Girly-Men in American History

“To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say: Don’t be economic girly men!”

—Arnold Schwarzenegger at the 2004 Republican National Convention

John Paul Jones: Gave his most famous ship a French name. Wore tight pants and a hat shaped like a Jewish cookie. According to Bonhomme Richard Veterans for Truth, it was sheerly by dint of bad seamanship that he ran the ship alongside the larger British vessel Serapis, entangling their rigging and forcing a three-hour battle; when Jones responded to the British demand for surrender with the words “I have not yet begun to fight,” his statement was literally true, as he had spent the entire engagement in his quarters getting a cucumber-and-yogurt facial.

Theodore Roosevelt: Inveterate tree-hugger. Pioneered girly-man economics with his trust-busting, which turned the battle royal of great corporations into a ladies’ cotillion. Wore French cuffs. Spoke so softly and was so reluctant to use his stick that he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. According to San Juan Hill Veterans for Truth, he and his men were known as the Rough Riders because their equestrian skills were, at best, approximate; his famous charge up the hill occurred only because he lost control of his mount.

George Washington: Wore stockings, ruffled cuffs and occasionally an apron. (Masonic, but still …. ) Fatuously vain about his dentures. Despite much-hyped reputation for veracity, lied about crossing the Delaware in a rowboat; according to Skiff Boat Veterans for Truth, he actually took a cab to Trenton over the I-95 bridge.

Audie Murphy: Parlayed his fame as the most decorated soldier of World War II into a life of effeminate luxury in Hollywood. Wore bespoke clothes, wrote love songs and used cologne, all the while whining about “battle fatigue.” According to Company B Veterans for Truth, he was not actually under fire from German troops, of whom he supposedly killed 50 with his machine gun and hundreds more by directing artillery fire from his forward position; following the ancient code of Teutonic chivalry, they refused to shoot at him, as they mistook his binoculars for glasses.

Nathan Hale: Effete liberal from Connecticut. Enjoyed theatricals at Yale and, though nominally male, went on to be a teacher of small children. Wore tight pants, stockings and a ponytail. According to Hanged Continental Spies for Truth, was less than forthcoming on the gallows: A believer in reincarnation, he actually thought he had thousands of lives to give for his country, yet was willing to give only one.

Abraham Lincoln: Wrote his own speeches, often using words of more than two syllables. Stayed up late fretting about the people killed and maimed in the war he was fighting. Wore a silk hat. According to Ford’s Theatre Spectators for Truth, he was merely grazed by John Wilkes Booth’s bullets, but died en route to the hospital of a heart attack brought on by acute hypochondria—and, by some accounts, anxieties about the future character of the Republican Party.

—Evan Eisenberg

John Kerry’s Straight Talk