Yesterday in Jim Romenesko’s letters forum, former Giant magazine editor and serial journalistic cliche slayer, Mark Remy made an open plea to his fellow practitioners of the journalistic dark arts to stop using “Cruise Control” in headlines about Tom Cruise, his lady love Katie Holmes, War of the Worlds, and his outspoken campaign against psychiatry.

“Is this not, literally, the single laziest pun you can think of?” Remy pleaded. But while Remy’s letter was helpful in shedding light on the “Cruise Control” problem, it didn’t offer any suggestions for what to replace it with. So here’s a list of new Tom Cruise-themed puns for journalists to use, free of charge. (Some exceptions apply; void in Tennessee.)

Carnival Cruise
Ground Control to Major Tom
Tommy Knockers
Tom to Make the Donuts
Interview With the Vampire Who Is Jumping All Over Your Couch
Tom and a Half
The Nation Cruise Featuring Victor Navasky

–Matt Haber Cruisin’