A George and Hilly Christmas

DR. SELMAN: What’s happening?

GEORGE: I sat around in my pajamas all day, e-mailing high-school friends. I have this illusion that I’m actually working, because I am typing and concentrating, but we were just talking nonsense. Whether or not Star Wars is in fact a masterpiece, you know, Beatles versus Stones. The summer of ’87 comes up a lot. Girls. This girl a friend of mine slept with recently—he admitted that this girl’s “kid had a kid.” We refer to him as the Granny Humper. What else? Bongo drums. So I got into a fight with one of them.

DR. SELMAN: This is one of those guys who molested you during boarding school?

GEORGE: No, he was one of the “molestees.” We were talking about drums and analyzing this Motörhead video on YouTube and Bruce noted that the drumming was spectacular, and I said, “Come on, is there any real difference between drummers?” And Bruce, who’s really into the drumming, said some drummers are better than others and how he can keep a basic backbeat going forever, ooom chi boom, ooom chi boom—but he can’t play in a mambo band. So I said I was playing air guitar and air drums the night before—this is when things started to get ugly. Bruce responded with, “Were you clown dancing in your undies? Was Hilly there, the two of you pounding wine?”

[Exit HILLY]

GEORGE: So then my other friend Ian wrote “oooch,” which means that I just got dissed. I didn’t take it that way. So I wrote back, “Hey, not everything is a diss.” Then Bruce responded, and Ian again wrote “oooch,” you know, I got dissed again. Then it escalated. I said, “I know you’re giving me the ‘oooch’ and the ‘plink’ to get a rise out of me”—

DR. SELMAN: Can I ask why we’re talking about this?

GEORGE: This happened a couple hours ago. Affected my mood.

DR. SELMAN [to HILLY]: I presume that you had to go to the bathroom, but the timing, was that anything to do with what George was talking about?

HILLY: It was so boring to me.

DR. SELMAN: I was thinking the same thing.

HILLY: I am just so sick of no one being able to just get anything done. I’m so sick of hearing about these e-mail exchanges. If it’s so important, why don’t you cc me?

DR. SELMAN: Does this have any relevance to your relationship?

HILLY: I’m so sick of having to be the person who always takes action, everywhere, all the time. I don’t think I ask for too many things. One thing in the world that I wanted so badly was tickets to the Van Halen concert. I didn’t get them. O.K., guess what, it’s a sign from God, they’re extending the tour—so I said, “George, here’s a great chance. Come on, with your connections you can get tickets. You don’t have to get me anything for Christmas.” He doesn’t do it. I have to do it myself! Okay, you go away on trips, and it’s sweet, because you get me a present after I badger you to get me one. The last two times, you’ve gotten me presents I already have! The first time it was a T-shirt, the second time it was a stuffed animal I already have. Guess what? I’m 33, I have enough stuffed animals. I want grown-up stuff.

DR. SELMAN: This sounds like déjà vu all over again.

HILLY: Christmas is this month—

DR. SELMAN: Ah-ha!

HILLY: —and I want you to know, I don’t care how much money you have or don’t have, but I want a goddamn engagement ring. If you have to give me a Cracker Jack ring, I don’t care, but you have to give it to me. I was just thinking on the way over here—you’re friendly with Kenneth Jay Lane. Well, your mom’s friendly with him. Jesus Christ, he’s one of the most famous costume jewelry designers in the whole world. Get him to make me something fake and say, “Maybe in 10 years, 20 years I can afford to get you something better”—

DR. SELMAN: Get the setting and then get the stone.

HILLY: Exactly. I’ve given him ideas. Like the Van Halen thing, his name is “Diamond Dave.” You can’t give me a ring—but bring me to see Diamond Dave, that’s the next closest thing. Cheesy, but the sentiment counts.

GEORGE: May I try to say something?

HILLY: I don’t want a production in front of people, I just want a goddamn ring to put on my left finger because I’m old and I’m sick and tired of having to answer the questions. And you know, if I don’t get one, I’m moving on.

DR. SELMAN: Boy, that is a threat.

GEORGE: Anyway! She bought Van Halen tickets off eBay for a lot of money, and we hadn’t paid rent, so I said, “You can’t do that.”

DR. SELMAN: So you do have tickets?

HILLY: I’m on a waiting list.

DR. SELMAN: How does this address the ring?

A George and Hilly Christmas