Chris Crocker’s Crystal Ball: Year’s Most Prominent ‘CeWebrity’ Prognosticates for You

Give me a frank comment about each of the following ceWebrities: Jefree Star, Perez Hilton, Stevie ‘Little Loca’ Ryan, Leslie Hall, Cory Kennedy.

I don’t pay too much attention to the other Internet well-knowns. I’m far too self-centered and interested in what I’m doing, but I will tell you that Stevie Ryan inspired me to make my very first video, which sparked everything. My very first video that got eight million hits, ‘This & That,’ was a take on Stevie Ryan’s ‘Little Loca.’ Only … I was gay, blond and more wigger-friendly. (Wigger: politically incorrect term describing a white person who adopts the mannerisms, style etc. of a … I’ll let you fill in the rest.)

Do you read blogs about yourself? What’s the most gorgeous thing anyone has ever said about you?

It was something I had to say to myself, which is ‘Britney loves you.’

I love Britney because she is unpretentious. Why do you love Britney?

Britney is a ray of light. She is and always has been very much so in her own world where nothing touches her. She’s resilient. She hears the things that are said, yet she carries on. I predict Britney will pull it together in a major way by the end of ’08.

Will you fall in love next year?

I’m a serial lover. I see everyone as a potential lover.

For some reason I can imagine you dating an older guy next year—a Mitt Romney type. Does it appeal to you to have some distinguished man helping you into a chinchilla stole?

I’ve always held an attraction for older guys. Older guys understand why ass-hair is hot because they were around in the 70’s, so I’m all about it as long as they don’t have a pedophile thing going on.

You would be great as a decoy on To Catch a Predator. Are you a fan of this show?

When I was 18, I was still talking dirty with my 17-year-old friends. I eventually had to tell myself I can’t anymore because I’m now 20, but my God, understand that it’s hard to just wake up and say ‘O.K., I’m 18. I can’t be with someone just one year younger than me.’ Of course it’s wrong for the 22-year-olds to fuck the 15-year-olds, but no, I don’t like the show because it could have caught me two years ago.

I am reliably informed that many of the new ceWebrities are on intimate terms with their fans. They love being stalked by them. Tila Tequila? Discuss.

I know Tila. She’s a very smart girl. The fact that people are blowing her show up into some hot topic also shows just how far behind our country is. When my show comes out, I guess I should expect even more death threats, because if bisexuality causes that much of an uproar, I’m fucked.

Who will get busted next year in L.A.?

Probably me, if I don’t start covering my tracks.

Do you have any New Year’s wishes for all those high-school bullies?

I dropped out of school in the eighth grade, so I sometimes forget what all I went through. I mean, the sad truth is, ‘high-school bullies’ do live past graduation and sometimes do carry their hate into the real world. Hence our president. My wish to all bullies is to find a fucking hobby, other than picking on people.

When you are alone in your bedroom, are you a girl or a boy?

Well, I don’t believe in JUST boy or JUST girl, but right now I’m in my bedroom alone and I’m wearing flannel boxers and Bart Simpson slippers. You tell me.

Spirituality in ’08? Are you feeling it? Have you read The Secret? Where do you stand on Scientology?

All of that is so boring to me. It’s stuff like that which makes me so grateful for Britney.

Color is big for spring. Will you be embracing this trend? Please elaborate on your fashion plans for next year.

Oh God, again with the fashion nonsense.

You are the reigning empress of the ceWebrities with billions of fans. You are as famous as Madge. How does that feel?

It feels great. I want to go down the same path as Madonna. In fact, I plan on changing my name like she did with Esther. I originally thought about “Sharooka,” but maybe I’ll just decide to take myself more serious and decide to be “Christine.”

Chris Crocker’s Crystal Ball: Year’s Most Prominent ‘CeWebrity’ Prognosticates for You