Gossip Girl Makes Family Hour the Dirtiest Sixty Minutes on TV

If you happened to watch last night’s off-the-reservation edition of Gossip Girl, here’s a question you probably asked yourself as the episode came to an end: are they kidding me? Rarely can we say with actual meaning that a television show made us feel dirty all over. The latest Gossip Girl left us wanting to take a decontamination shower.

How crazy was it? Well, the opening, featuring Blair masturbating to a fantasy of Chuck going down on her, was actually one of the more tame moments of the night.  By the time the last act rolled around, 15-year-old Jenny (15-year-old Taylor Momsen), and her new friend Agnes (17-year-old Willa Holland), had stripped down to their bras and were dancing around seductively while getting their pictures taken. For real. The scene played out like an American Apparel ad come to depressing life. It just made us feel bad for all the participants involved.

As if that wasn’t enough, the episode ended with a make out session between Jenny and Nate (23-year-old Chace Crawford), where it seemed like the two actors literally might swallow each other’s faces. We know Nate and Jenny hooking up as characters is fine; they’re both high school students and probably, at max, two years apart. However, in the real world, can’t Mr. Crawford be brought up on charges for even looking at Ms. Momsen in a lascivious way? We’re sure that scene broke some kind of child labor law.

Did we mention that all this was happening at 8 p.m., during what is ostensibly supposed to be family hour? When we were kids, the early evening was a time for shows like Growing Pains and Family Ties. Now it’s filled with raging hormones and potential lawsuits. At this point, the rampant underage drinking that goes on throughout Gossip Girl almost seems quaint compared to the other shenanigans.

We’re not going to sit here and rail against The CW or creator Josh Schwartz for purveying Gossip Girl, because, well, we love it. But we’re adults. And the adult in us feels compelled to question the logic of having it on so early. Can we start a petition right now to have season three moved to 9 p.m.? At the very least, it might allow us to sleep better at night. For now, we’ll keep watching, and thank our lucky stars we don’t have a daughter.

Gossip Girl Makes Family Hour the Dirtiest Sixty Minutes on TV