“We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hardworking, very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation.”
—Sarah Palin, Oct. 16, 2008
1620: A group of English Puritans, seeking religious freedom, higher taxes and the opportunity to establish a welfare state, found Plymouth Colony in what will later be the State of Massachusetts.
1787: Delegates in Philadelphia draft a Constitution for the United States that guarantees sexual privacy for homosexuals and imposes onerous taxes on small business.
1789: After receiving 100 percent of the Electoral College votes and being sworn in as the nation’s first president at Federal Hall in Lower Manhattan, George Washington is heard to mutter, “God, these people are troglodytes.”
1851: Herman Melville, a native New Yorker, writes Moby-Dick, with the aim of making ordinary, hardworking people feel stupid.
1860: After issuing their “Declaration of the Immediate Causes Which Induce and Justify the Secession of South Carolina from the Federal Union,” South Carolina politicians formally raise the American flag and sing “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
1863-1869: Illegal Irish and Chinese immigrants steal thousands of American jobs laying track for the transcontinental railroad.
1893: Irving Berlin, author of “God Bless America,” arrives at Ellis Island. His family meant to go to Canada, but they misread the paperwork.
1929: After orchestrating a spectacular crash in the stock market, one hundred powerful Wall Street bankers escape to Soviet Tatarstan.
1938: At the American embassy in Berlin, aviator and patriotic isolationist Charles Lindbergh accepts a Commander Cross of the Order of the German Eagle from Hermann Goering.
1941: Thousands of Hawaiians, delighted by the bombing of Pearl Harbor, quietly go home, shut their doors and put on brightly colored party hats.
1943: An unidentified scientist working on the Manhattan Project says something kind of nice about the New Deal.
1961: President Dwight D. Eisenhower, jazz fan, junkie and former General of the Army, warns Americans about the dangers of a new “military-industrial complex” in his farewell address.
1963: The Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., a communist, delivers his “I Have a Dream” speech from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C.
1995: Terry Nichols and Timothy McVeigh strike a daring blow for liberty in Oklahoma City.
2001: After the destruction of the World Trade Center, millions of Jews, liberals and sodomites embrace perfect strangers on the streets of New York, whispering in one another’s ears, “We sure were asking for it!”
2003-present: More than 700 soldiers from California and New York State are killed in Iraq—but their hearts aren’t really in it.