Most Bananas Oscars Ever?

Okay, yeaaah, the Oscars! It’s going to take us at least a few more days to really be able to digest all the absolute batsh*t craziness that went down during Sunday night’s telecast. Can we all just start by agreeing that that show was truly bonkersville? We know there will be plenty of ink shed on the big winners: Kate, Sean,  Penélope, Heath, Slumdog, etc., so we’ll just stick to the show itself for now.

Let’s start with the stage, with the 92,000-Swarovski-crystal curtain which looked like something that got thrown up straight from Moonstruck-era Cher’s brain – razzle dazle doesn’t begin to describe it. And then there’s Hugh Jackman. We’ve already heard a lot of dissenting chatter about the Aussie’s hosting duties, but we’re just going to come out and say it: nailed it! Because listen, that man committed. He went out there for his debut Oscar-hosting night and put on an opening number that we still actually can’t believe happened. He started, gracefully, with a self deprecating joke about his giant bomb of a film Australia and led into a song and dance number – including inspired bits encompassing the big five plus a much needed shout out to snubbed Dark Knight – that had that jaded crowd at the Kodak on their feet. Props to Anne Hathaway for a shockingly good faux impromptu assist (who knew she could sing?). But our favorite moment (not including Mr. Jackman pausing in front of Brad and Angelina and admitting, “I don’t have a joke for them, I’m just contractually obligated to mention them five times”) was when Mr. Jackman crawled on top of a Wrestler­-like ring and belted out, “Because I am Hugh Jackman!” It’s true! He is Hugh Jackman – and no recession can silence his song. Gosh, we might suddenly be in love with him – how many more days till Wolverine anyway?

And now, because we just can’t think of any other way to do this, here is a rundown of some of the highs and lows of the 81st Annual Academy Awards.

Best Supporting Actress: The powers-that-be promised us a whole new kind of Oscar show and with the first category this proved entirely true. Having past Supporting Actress winners onstage was lovely, and clearly unexpected even to the nominees. Tilda Swinton, Eva Marie Saint, Whoopie Goldberg, Goldie Hawn and Anjelica Houston stood up there and took the time to individually praise each of the nominees. Every single one of them – Viola Davis, Amy Adams, Taraji P. Henson, Marisa Tomei and winner Penélope Cruz (who gave a kick ass speech) looked downright misty, and it actually felt honest-to-god special. Nice work everyone! But, we did miss the film clips….call us traditionalists.

Tina Fey and Steve Martin: Our favorite presenters had to be Tina Fey (looking smokin’ hot!) and Steve Martin for the best writing awards. We could watch these two go back and forth (Fey: “They say that to write is to live forever”. Martin: “The man who wrote that is dead.”). Hey woah, was that bit about the tree and seeds and crazy alien kings a Scientology joke? We sure hope so!

Most Awkward Presentation: We know we can’t be the only one that was completely distracted during the animation awards with Jack Black and Jennifer Aniston standing, like, four feet away from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Eegads! Hope the evil overloads at ABC don’t go for the easy pan to the happy couple…oh wait, too late.

Styx Shout out! Oh my, did Kunio Kato, winner of the best animated short really just say Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto? AWESOME. 

The curious case of Sarah Jessica Parker’s boobs: How come no one pulled the top of her dress up? Serious, serious spillage. Just not right at all.

Wacky, wacky love montage: There is no one alive who loves a montage the way we do. But…we’re so confused by this “Romance in 2008” mess! Was that Seven Pounds, Made of Honor, and What Happens in Vegas we saw in there? Really?

God we love James Franco: The bit between Seth Rogan and James Franco as their Pineapple Express The Reader and Doubt, making up a song about Mama Mia!, getting sentimental about Milk – all great. But add in cinemetographer Janusz Kaminski (“They made me do it, Mr. Spielberg. It’s really slow in town.”) rolling around on the couch watching You Don’t Mess With the Zohan and it’s even better.

Uber-weird second musical number: We were so with you Hugh Jackman! But then they made you do this other weird second musical montage-y performance piece. With Beyonce! You’d think we’d love it and yet, and yet…it was more than a little too much. Oh wait, it was dreamed up by Baz Luhrmann – yup, that explains everything.  

Zac Efron no mas!: We get that the High School Musical kid is some sort of big f’n deal. We don’t care. We saw way way way too much of him during this Oscar show.  

Phillippe Petit in da house!: Man on Wire subject Philippe Petit certainly knows how to accept an award! Jumping around, doing magic, balancing a statue on his face. Bravo! 

Another amazing Tom Cruise cameo: Did you see the totally awesome chompers’ “I don’t have a cat” Jimmy Kimmel commercial? If not, YouTube it immediately. 

Oh no they didn’t!: Nooooo Oscars no! Don’t mess with the holy death montage! Having Queen Latifah singing through the montage did not work. It competed with the clips, which we couldn’t really see anyway with all the zooming cameras.  Also, what’s with there being zero sound? Bring back the snippets from the honoree’s best work.

Best Actress: Wow….Sofia Loren…we don’t know what to say about how you look. But god, could we love Marion Cotillard and her tiny, tiny, waist any more? Kate Winslet couldn’t have been surprised, but we do love that her dad whistled for her from the darkened crowd.

Sean Penn knows he’s a jerk! “I do know how hard I make it to appreciate me – often.” Okay, that’s fair…and almost makes us love Sean Penn again. Also, not annoying this time around for an actor to use their time to make a political statement for equal rights for homosexuals. This was certainly the right Oscars for it.

Most Bananas Oscars Ever?