Last week, our wife’s friend E., a vivacious 33-year-old Texas blonde living in Manhattan who works in women’s rights, explained her fondness for big balls. On men. Many readers were stirred by E. Herewith, great loves of E., grades 7-12.
By age 12, E. had found and lost the love of her life, Marco, a half Italian boy she met at sports camp. He’d ride his bike to her house and they would make out in the hot tub. He broke her heart.
Next came Juan, a year or two older, who went to the public school across the street from E.’s private school in Houston. When the principal learned that the Mexican boy with hair almost to his shoulders has crossed the street to say hello to E., E. and 5 of her friends were called into his office, along with their parents. But E. swooned over Juan’s made-up stories about how he slept in a parking lot in a box and survived off mints from a nearby restaurant. He wrote her poems and she’d call her friends sobbing. She was very upset when she bought a Jane’s Addiction album and heard them singing all his poems. One night he tried to take her virginity but they didn’t have a condom. He almost convinced her they could use a Ziploc bag.
E. had crushes on boys at the private school, too, but she preferred Juan because: “None of them had sex appeal. All they would do was kiss you at the movie theater while Juan would dry hump you on the floor.” She liked one private school boy, Alexander, but she had to sit through Silence of the Lambs three times— the third time because one of the boys they were with’s parents had just gotten a divorce, so he got to choose the movie. She says the experience was altogether traumatizing.
At 14 E. lost her virginity to a guy named Finn. Looking back, she says she never really cared for him much at all. Anyway on the fateful night, when E.’s mother was out of town, they climbed into her bed and had bad sex. Finn got a Charlie Horse in his leg. He turned out to be deeply religious and E. felt guilty that she had convinced him to sleep with her when he was obviously not comfortable with it.
E.’s next love was 21 and she was 15, the thought of which she now finds disgusting. He was in a Grateful Dead cover band, drove a pick-up truck and smoked pot. He wrote her songs that made her cry.
Enter an Argentinean named Eduardo, whom she met at Daddy O’s club in Cancun, Mexico. He took photos of her in the waves wearing only her bikini bottom. When she got home she sent him the photos, along with the bikini bottoms. Because he didn’t speak English and she didn’t speak Spanish, she had to have a friend call to say she wanted to visit him in Buenos Aires. He was a good lover and when she arrived they had sex over and over again. “His penis and balls were medium size,” she says.
She turned 16 and met Hunter. There wasn’t much more on him other than his penis, which was just so big that it hurt. Around the same time there was Miguel, a Venezuelan pianist in a Latin band which performed at the restaurant where E. worked. Miguel also had a huge penis, like a Coke can. He told her she could be his girlfriend if she dyed her hair more blond and shaved her vagina.
The restaurant had a bus boy and his name was Jorge. He was tall, lean and handsome, but unfortunately he had a dramatic curve to his penis which E. says was painful. He sent her a bouquet of carnations which made her think “he was truly a different class,” but somehow it made him more beautiful to her.
Then there was the brother of her best friend, a private school stoner who was a tad portly. She remembers being frustrated because all he wanted to do was wrap his fat legs around her and make love all night and the sex was pretty boring. One night the boy’s father, completely unaware of his son’s dalliance, said to her, “So E., do you have a new man in your life? Some inappropriate foreigner?”
She spent the summer of junior year in Rome, where she met David. It was true love again; David told her they would have beautiful babies. Back in Texas, she hooked up with Nico, whose style was very different from David’s. Nico would say to her, “Your cunt belongs to me,” while they were having sex. And, she remembers, “If I said, ‘I am really feeling too tired right now,’ he would tell me I didn’t have a choice because my cunt was his property and I should just lie back and relax.” This turned her on immensely.
E. carried on with David and Nico, with a few others mixed in, until senior year was over. Then she headed to the Southwest for college.
