Recognizing that his political days are numbered, New York Governor David Paterson has been shopping around a proposal for a tell-all memoir, provisionally titled All Choked Up: The Lies and Scandals of My Administration. The Transom has obtained a copy of the proposal. Herewith, some excerpts:
Chapter One-Welcome to Albany: Skeletons in the Utility Closet
… As I revealed the day after my inauguration, I had extramarital affairs in the past. But those all took place prior to becoming governor, unless you consider photo-sexting an “extramarital affair” and the moment your hand is on the Bible while repeating the oath of office “prior to becoming governor.”
It was alleged that I was caught in the utility closet of the Executive Mansion with another woman. First, if I were ever in a utility closet, it’s because-this is hard to admit-I suffer from agoraphobia and am an obsessive-compulsive mopper.
Second, a New York Times reporter who later interviewed me couldn’t even find such a closet. It’s certainly not accessible behind a false wall in the East Wing by pulling a New York State 1974 By-Laws and Ordinances volume from the bookshelf, pressing your thumbprint to a small sensor and whispering “Fidelio.”
Chapter Three-My Misspent Youth: Coke Was Only Briefly It
… I have already admitted to using cocaine in my early 20s in the late 1970s. I did not continue doing it in the 1980s. True, I hung out a lot with Jay and Bret and Tama at Odeon, and I was known to hit up the Limelight from time to time, and, man, I remember some off-the-hook SPY magazine parties back then-or don’t remember them, if you know what I mean!
Chapter Six-David W. Johnson: Come to Think of It, It Does Look Kind of Bad When You’re 6-Foot-7 With a Rap Sheet and You’re Accused of Choking Your Girlfriend
… Did David choke Sherr-una Booker after seeing her and her friend in Halloween costumes he didn’t approve of? Yes. They were dressed as Spencer and Heidi. That’s so lame. And he could tell they weren’t even being totally ironic about it, because they both watch The Hills all the time, and they analyze it, and you don’t do that unless part of you actually reveres the people in it in some perverse way, and … God, don’t get me started. It’s like we’ve turned off our filters for what’s exhibitionistic and crassly self-promoting in the culture, so we’re gradually metamorphosing into our own version of The Hills, replete with inane chatter and psychobabble navel-gazing posing as introspection. I’m seriously considering removing my Facebook profile. Seriously considering it.
Chapter Seven-The Phone Call With David’s Girlfriend: I Wouldn’t Have Made It If I Didn’t Have Unlimited Minutes
… As I have maintained, in my Feb. 7 phone call with Sherr-una, I was merely offering my support and asking how she was, and we did not once mention the alleged assault. Here’s the transcript:
ME: So, how are you?
SHERR-UNA: Not good. My neck still hurts sometimes from when-
ME: La-la-la! The reception is fuzzy, I can’t hear you! Anyway, you were saying that you’re completely fine and happy?
SHERR-UNA: Well, I still want to work things out with David. But his temper-
ME: Yes, his body temperature is below the normal 98.6 degrees, so he’s cool-headed and not quick to anger! Good point!
SHERR-UNA: Well, I’m still thinking of pressing charges about-
ME: Can’t hear you again! I’m going deaf now, too. Great chatting. Never call me again!
Chapter Nine-More Like the Gray Bitch: The New York Times Has Always Had It In for Me, Just Because I’m a New York Governor
… though I confess to a soft spot for Maureen Dowd’s columns. I mean, I know it’s just a dressed-up gossip column, but it’s so damn entertaining; she makes you feel like you’re there. Still on the fence about paying for an online subscription, though. I may be able to just use my parents’ password.
Teddy Wayne’s novel Kapitoil came out last month.