It seems that baseball is not the only American pastime plagued with steroids these days: US Department of Education spokesperson Grant Handley revealed today the real reason why New Jersey lost out on $700 million in educational funding: “it’s obvious from the mistakes in this application, and the way it was hurried down to DC from New Jersey that it was obviously prepared by someone on steroids. And that someone is Gov. Chris Christie.
Under US Department of Education funding federal statutes, it is “illegal to use any substance such as steroids, narcotics, or perception enhancing drugs when preparing an application for any type of federal funding.” Ironically, this law was signed by Pres. George W. Bush––the man who appointed Chris Christie to be US attorney.
Mr. Handley made note that this was not the first time that it was observed that Chris Christie may have been on performance enhancing steroids. Like Roger Clemens when he threw a bat at Met catcher Mike Piazza in the 2000 World Series, steroids can cause “rage, irritation, extreme arrogance and lashing out at others on a regular basis. With the New Jersey governor’s attitude towards the NJEA, small towns and suburbs and most recently Justice Wallace of the Supreme Court––it’s obvious that the governor has been suffering from steroid rage for a long time.”
Other evidence of governors use is his enormous “bulking up”––similar to the way baseball homerun hitters Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire looked after many years of being on steroids. “You don’t look you don’t look that ‘bulked up’ from just eating food,” said a source inside the governor’s office, who wished to remain anonymous.
Other evidence of the governor’s use of steroids in the past was his blaming on Commissioner of Education Bret Schundler for a “compromise” he made with the NJEA back in June during the first round of “Race to the Top” educational funding. Back then, he hid his steroid use by saying of Schundler, “I’m sure we’ll have disagreements in the future. Hopefully we’ll just handle them a little differently,”–after which he flew into a steroid rage.
Handley pointed out that last fall Christie flew into a steroid rage in front of Congress, when he was giving testimony. He left in a hurry, saying that he had to “catch a train and get back to New Jersey.”