Enough With the Yogurt

Activia is the primary culprit on the constipation front, with commercials featuring a notably peppy Jamie Lee Curtis issuing a

Activia is the primary culprit on the constipation front, with commercials featuring a notably peppy Jamie Lee Curtis issuing a challenge to younger ladies to eat Activia for two weeks. “If it doesn’t help naturally regulate your digestive system, we’ll refund your money.” In February, Activia settled a $45 million class action lawsuit from disgruntled, understandably frustrated folks for whom the purportedly medicinal yogurt had offered no relief. For those who had such an experience, visit dannonsettlement.com, there’s still time get up to a $100 compensation. It seems the FDA is not so sure about yogurt’s regulatory abilities.

Make no mistake: Protein and live bacteria-laden milk-sludge is big business. In 1980, the US yogurt eating market clocked in at an estimated $300 million. Last year, Mintel International’s latest report on U.S. consumer trends, put it at $4.1 billion. Industry titans, Dannon and Yoplait between them occupy a 67 percent, with French-owned Dannon holding onto a tenuous advantage.

But while yogurt remains a booming business–sales grew 32 percent between 2004 and 2009– the growth rates declined to from a steady 6.5 percent to 2.8 percent in 09. Which might have something to do with the increasingly aggressive marketing tactics, pushing overt references to constipation, yeast infections and sexual imagery.

Yogurt eating remains a woman’s pastime–the more intuitive sex represents some 80 percent of this curdled pie– so it isn’t surprising that ladies bear the brunt of the shameless attacks on emotional insecurities that increasingly afflict men as well: Namely, that if you can’t fit into a “itsy bitsy bikini”–the tagline of a recent Yoplait Light spot– you should remain indoors and eat a shitload of yogurt. The more masculine sounding Greek yogurt, meanwhile, led by the surge of Fage onto our fair shores, offers the dream of a body like Adonis’s. Greek Gods yogurt boasts of a delectable balance of live and active cultures, including: “S. thermophilus and L. bulgaricus, L. acidophilus, Bifidus and L.casei.”

Sounds delicious!

Our national obsession with obesity and the not-unrelated success of the so-called fro-yo industry, opened the door for yogurt barons to demagogue and pervert the issue. The new Dannon “Light & Fit” campaign features the impossible svelte Heidi Klum tonguing a cup of the functional nectar, declaring after a sensual slurping of the last drop, “I love Light & Fit.” Light & Fit may only shave 20 calories off its Yoplait counterpart, but its way sexier. Now available in melon flavor! (Prune flavor, I suppose, would be antithetical to any suggestion of after-yogurt sex…or would it?)


‘I’m actually eating some right now.’ – TV Writer Friend.

Indeed, the frothing public debate over which yogurt is more “functional” has somehow merged questions of sex, gastronomy and female hygiene into one fetid pile.

For when even men are buckling to the yogurt tides, forsaking the time-honored American tradition of sizzling breakfast meats for a teacup of probiotic goo, there seems little hope for our nation. One of the more brutish man-beasts I know, who had previously enjoyed steak and eggs or the occasional heuvos rancherous, is now an Activia addict. 

“It helps you dump,” he said simply.

A fiercely patriotic Texan who works in investment banking observed that there is a certain “supersentilian smugness” to the way yogurt eaters discuss their beloved low-cal high action bacteria sauce. Mavis, who also descirbes himself as “fiercely regular,” is a devoted bacon-and-eggs man. He’d much sooner tuck in for a bowl of oatmeal than go for the white stuff. Until recently, he was engaged to a European lass, who he says spoke of yogurt “like it’s the fountain of youth.” He’s very glad indeed that he no longer has to deal with the even more extreme brand of European yogurt fanaticism.

The whole idea of an open and breezy society in which conversation can skip lightly from breakfast to bathing suits to how badly you need to take a shit has a distinctly foreign feel to it. One that should be resisted at all costs. On a recent trip to Paris, I attempted to order up a bowl of yogurt, which, I must admit, can be quite delicious. “Yes, yo-gurt,” I repeated into the receiver. “Oh oui,” replied the governess of our quaint hotel. “Activia?”

I lost my appetite.   


Enough With the Yogurt