Internal Memo: Bill Clinton

“We were in Africa and Hillary dragged me into this fancy hotel to meet with some folks to talk about genital mutilation.” –Bill Clinton, at his Global Initiative, Politics Daily, Sept. 21


  • I just love solving the world’s problems, and I love fancy hotels, and I could not think of a better way to solve the world’s problems than to sit around with some good folks in a fancy hotel–the fancier, the better–just talking about those problems. Which is why I’ve invited all of you to New York City this week. Hi, there, Maggie Gyllenhal! I tell you, this city has some of the fanciest hotels in the world. The Regency. The Four Seasons. The Mandarin Oriental–has anybody tried the General Tso’s over there? It’s spicy enough to mutilate your genitals.
  • As all of you know, I am not the sort of man who fears commitment. I’ve been committed to Hilary, in my own way, for better or worse, since 1975. This summer Chelsea made a commitment of her own, and I hope it lasts, though I know marriage can be hard. In the last five years I have made over 1,900 commitments to solving the world’s problems. One of my favorites is Rural Medical Duffel Bag Project. Is that Melinda Gates over there? Hey, Melinda, tell Bill I’ll see him in an hour at the buffet! This commitment is to spread first-aid kits throughout Africa, in what else? Duffel bags! You know how we came up with that idea? Sitting around with some folks in a fancy hotel. I think it was the Burj Al Arab in Dubai.
  • Barack Obama is coming here this week. I know, I know. When you’ve got Ashton Kutcher, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barbra Streisand and Bill Clinton in the same room, who needs Barack Obama? Well, the president has his role to play. Bono! Love the new musical–Spider-Man’s my favorite superhero! Let’s catch up at the pool! And one of the commitments I’d like to bring him in on is Irish President Mary Robinson’s program for turning rag pickers in the world’s landfills–or as we called ’em in Arkansas, dumps–into what Mary likes to call “waste entrepreneurs.” Where did we come up with that one? I believe it was at the W Hotel Istanbul. Great kebabs at that one.
  • Barack has had a hard time these past couple years, and Hilary and I have been too busy traveling around the world, talking with folks in fancy hotels, making commitments and solving problems to be of much help. I hadn’t even heard of these Tea Party folks until recently. In my day we had a vast right-wing conspiracy. Matt Damon! Loved you in Invictus! Now if he wants to solve this problem I have one simple suggestion: check in with some folks and talk it over at a fancy hotel. Say, the Gritti Palace in Venice–great pasta, and great fish too. And Barack, if you need a housesitter, somebody to mind the store, I’m available.
Internal Memo: Bill Clinton