We find it sort of hard to talk to you, Ms. Hilton.
It’s not personal, it’s just that we have essentially zero things in common. You had a sex tape, we just watched the sex tape. You learned to walk the runway from a gay black man in Queens, our guy was from Brooklyn.
But all that’s about to change! Because you have a new reality show! A serious one, which means we’ll be able to get to know the real you.
(We’ll give you that it’s something of an accomplishment to land a reality show at age 58, but is it really news that you’ve got a new one? Everyone on reality shows always acts like you anyway. We digress.)
Anyway, we’re excited to see what your day-to-day is like. After all, wasn’t it Scott Fitzgerald who said, “All you have to do in life is go out with your friends, party hard and look twice as good [as the woman next to you.]”
No, wait, sorry, that was you, actually.