Cathleen Black’s First Memo to Her Staff at the Board of Ed

Cathleen Black’s appointment as Schools Chancellor was only announced yesterday, but already she’s making some big changes, at least if this memo recently obtained by The Observer is any indication.


To: Staff

From: Cathleen Black

Re: The New Schools for Spring 2011

To set the tone of the new administration and make things fresh, accessible and modern,effective immediately I am instituting these changes in New York City schools:

-We will now refer to semesters as seasons

-All school uniforms in black

-Basketball uniforms in natural fibers

-Winter break will be called resort

-Morning announcements will include pronouncements

-Fashion monthlies to be used for all lesson plans

  •  spelling (K-a-r-d-a-s-h-i-a-n)
  •  geography (Jersey Shore, Milan, Mustique, Sundance, Cannes)
  •  history (Gianni Versace)
  •  chemistry (scent strips)
  •  mathematics (ad page counts and base rates)
  •  geometry (hemlines)
  •  spatial relations (front row seating charts)

-Summer school is suspended until after couture

-Historical school names to be replaced with local fashion designers (except Halston)

-Report cards reformatted as reviews for Ipads

-Test times pushed back to 10 am (real start time 10:30)

-Gym classes to include social climbing

-Exchange programs to include Top Shop and Uniqlo

-Removal of all asbestos and carbs from school buildings

I am excited to be here (although I still miss the subsidized sushi at the Hearst cafeteria) and hope to look over your shoes and your test scores in the near future.


Cathleen Black’s First Memo to Her Staff at the Board of Ed