The Great Gatsby in 3D: An Idea So Abysmally Awful It Just Might Work?

Those familiar with director Baz Luhrmann’s fixation with excess had every reason to look forward to his upcoming adaptation of The Great Gatsby. Sure, the subtle analysis of class warfare, sexuality, and post-war mores that enhance F. Scott Fitzgerald’s masterwork will probably be excised, but who cares! Filtered through Baz’s indulgence-happy approach to the cinema, Gatsby will be all sex, gin, wild all-night parties, gat-toting gangsters, palace-sized houses, flappers dancing in pearls and of course beautiful shirts. Yes, Baz, we’ve never seen such beautiful shirts.

But today the man who gave us the that satin-soaked orgy-musical Moulin Rouge tossed Gatsby fans a curve ball. What if, Baz wondered to himself, I drank the Kool Aid and did my Gatsby in 3D? Avatar in The Jazz Age! Great plan, right?

Luhrmann told The Hollywood Reporter that he’s “workshopped” the film in 3D, in case he decides that the action needs that extra, um, dimension. He hasn’t made a call on which format to use, but no doubt the studio will push for 3D, which would allow them to push the ticket price up.

Let’s get this out of the way: Filming The Great Gatsby in 3D is an astoundingly stupid idea that we sincerely hope never happens. This is a given.

But what if it actually does happen? Scott Fitzgerald will certainly be rolling in his grave, but here’s what we’ll have to look forward to!

  • Everyone kicking their legs to The Charleston at Gatsby’s party. Watch out! That flapper’s heel almost hit you in the face!
  • Meyer Wolfsheim’s cuff links made from human molars. You can almost touch them. How gross! Bonus: in 3D, the metaphor here is even more obvious.
  • When that cheating golfer Jordan Baker tees off, the ball flies right by your head. Oh, Jordan. You’re so charmingly bad at that silly sport!
  • Nick Carraway’s collection of bond books. In 3D, they’re almost not terrible dry and boring!
  • Ah! Gatsby! Look behind you! George Wilson has a gun! You know this because it’s an inch away from your face!
  • Tom Buchanan punching Myrtle Wilson: it’s like you’re there in that hot New York apartment. And you’re the one getting punched.
  • Two words: green light. It will be the greatest light of any kind ever captured on celluloid. You want to try and make that powerful of a light in a 2D movie? 2D is the past, man, we have 3D for that kind of stuff now. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter — tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms further… and one fine morning —

Excited yet? You better be, because this movie is already not going to be cheap — Baz has to pay Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, and Carey Mulligan for their parts. So if it’s in 3D? Let’s just say Daisy’s voice isn’t the only thing full of money.

nfreeman at |@nfreeman1234

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The Great Gatsby in 3D: An Idea So Abysmally Awful It Just Might Work?