As a regular service to our readers, Betabeat selects an especially appealing tech job posting and pens a sample cover letter. Just insert your name, append a resumé and say hello to your future!
To Whom It May Concern,
Dear Steve Jobs,
Ever since I assembled my first iPhone from remaindered Speak-N-Spell parts, I have dreamt of becoming an Apple (AAPL) Genius. Surely, there must be no thrill greater than demonstrating one’s technical mastery in front of adoring, addled masses, blissfully ignorant of their own inability to grasp the most basic of computing concepts. I can scarcely imagine their gratitude when I recalibrate an iPad’s accelerometer using only a safety pin and a Jenga block!
Steve, I can and will do the following as a Genius:
-Challenge the backup habits of every customer within my purview.
-Suck the lint out of a clogged iPhone headphone jack in less than three seconds.
-Identify the six different types of schmutz most commonly found in a MacBook keyboard and the velocity at which Canned Air must be applied in order to remove said schmutz.
Like an Outback franchise in the Burj Khalifa, the stakes have never been higher, Steve. Apple didn’t achieve a $300 billion market cap by putting cow spots on its boxes! No! The company built dizzying tributes its own greatness–like the famous investors in Planet Hollywood and the pharaohs before them–stretching ever higher toward the clouds to demonstrate plainly, in a way its customers can understand, how each new purchase brings them ever closer to Divinity’s reach. God may not be there for you when your hard drive finally gives out, but an extended warranty may keep you in His Light for up to three additional years with the optional (but recommended) AppleCare Protection Plan.
Furthermore, the rumors on MacOSRumors are true; I did convert an Etch A Sketch into an iPad 2 ahead of its official release using only a magic marker and a grey market A5 processor.
It should also be noted that I was recognized by my local Apple Store as the number one Sales Rep for three months running until someone noticed that I wasn’t actually an employee. In fact, I was frequently heralded by my peers for suggesting the kind of out-of-the-box solutions that most people are frightened to say out loud in a modern republic, much less recommend over the loudspeaker, unsolicited, for the benefit of slow-witted barbarians who would certainly balk at a simple 128k Macquarium conversion. That’s because there’s no “I” in Genius, Steve. There’s just “US” — You and me. Everyone else is on the Geek Squad.
References are available upon request.
[Your name here]