Help Wanted! The Cover Letter Assistant Tackles BuzzFeed

Will work for money.

As a regular service to our readers, Betabeat selects an especially appealing tech job posting and pens a sample cover letter. Just insert your name, append a resumé and say hello to your future!


BuzzFeed is seeking an experienced, creative and client-focussed (sic) digital media individual to identify and work with Fortune 500 Brands. Your job will be to work with leading brands to identify ways in which their currrent (sic) campaigns and branded content can be crafted into viral campaigns. You’ll be a modern day, internet version of Don Draper.

[Today’s date]

Dear Sirs,

As I was telling my girl Friday just this past Thursday, the Internet needs a Don Draper — a no-nonsense man’s man with a head full of Brylcreem and a belly full of Canadian Club. Most of today’s so-called “web gurus” aren’t fit to shine my shoes, much less give client presentations that radically explode paradigms on only two hours of sleep and a handful of Phenobarbital. I’m the guy who’s going to do that for you. And while I may not be able to identify all Fortune 500 brands right now, I’ve got a copy of the magazine and a can-do attitude.

It should go without saying that I excel at client-facing opportunities, particularly if those clients are buxom Jewesses with a busted moral compass. Most people don’t realize that the quickest way to increase engagement in the workplace is to hire more attractive ladies, and I’ve got a long track record of creating compelling stories about why my marital status is of no concern to you. Rest assured that I will do whoever it takes to guarantee client satisfaction. Not only that, I have had demonstrable success at entrepreneurial leaning, particularly after one of my famous three-martini lunches.

Finally, as the literal face of BuzzFeed, I will provide the smoldering charm, distracting good looks and above-average height that will cause your clients to exclaim, “I’m buying what he’s selling!” just before I propose love-making on their conference room table, and just after asking me to put out my cigarette for the third and final time.

In short, if you’re looking for someone with a dark family secret and deep-seated identity issues to take your little aggregation concern to the next level, you’ve found your man.

Very Sincerely,
[Your name here]

Help Wanted! The Cover Letter Assistant Tackles BuzzFeed