Saying the Heldrich Hotel felt more like a Turkish prison after a week holed up there with dozens of politicians, redistricting commission 11th member Alan Rosenthal today decided on a map that would give Democrats a 40-0 advantage in the senate.
Asked how the map would pass various “fairness” tests, Rosenthal told reporters “the hell with fairness, Republicans really shouldn’t be in this state anyway. That’s why they call it blue isn’t it?”
As he rushed for the door, Rosenthal was asked by reporters why he made his decision two days before the Sunday deadline. Rosenthal responded simply “I can’t take it here anymore. Did you smell the Democrats’ room this morning? Soap fellows. Give it a try.”
Rosenthal said the bickering between the two sides had gotten so bad Thursday night that there was a two hour standoff over an overhand or underhand placement of the toilet paper in the bathroom.
Republicans were incensed with the decision, but consoled themselves with knowledge that they still have one more shot.
“Chris will be here soon,” one GOP team member was overhead whispering into a cell phone. “He’ll fix everything.”
Not even everyone on the Democratic team was pleased with the outcome.
Late last night Democratic redistricting counsel Bill Castner was heard arguing with Rosenthal on behalf of the GOP, telling the agitated professor “They should get at least one district.”
Rosenthal was heard by reporters grumbling about the exchange to his staff.
“I gave them one district. They’ve got Stack,” Rosenthal reportedly told his staff.
In order to achieve the map, Rosenthal suspended the rule that calls for contiguity of districts, allowing the Democrats to merge Republican stronghold Ocean County with portions of Newark , leading county Republican Chairman George Gilmore to call Newark Mayor Cory Booker his “brother from another mother.”
The new map also merges conservative Morris County with Atlantic City. That move reportedly had Democrats speculating over the possibility of bringing a riverboat casino to Lake Hopatcong.
The only senate Democrat who doesn’t benefit from the map is former Senate President Dick Codey. According to Democrats, they were able to create one district with 220,000 people who hate the former governor’s guts.
“It took some time, but we did it,” said current Senate President and Codey rival Steve Sweeney. “We finally found the last guy in Cumberland county, but he agreed to move to West Orange in order to vote against Codey.”
Reached this morning, Codey declared himself Gov. for life and issued an executive order requiring his book to be standard reading in every New Jersey school.
“They read about Woodrow Wilson, why not me?” he said.
Despite Rosenthal’s unorthodox ruling, the secrecy over the redistricting process continued Friday as Republicans took to calling themselves by code names. Reporters overheard Republican Commission Chairman Jay Webber, aka “Mr. Orange,” assigning names to his crew.
Sources say commission member Bill Palatucci was particularly incensed over his code name.
“Why do I have to be Mr. Pink,” Palatucci was said to have asked Webber. “Why can’t we pick our own colors?”
“No way,” Webber was said to have told Palatucci. “I tried it once. It didn’t work. You get four guys arguing over who’s going to be Mr. Black.”
State Sen. Kevin O’Toole, who sources say was assigned “Mr. White” told Palatucci to move on.
“That’s easy for you to say,” Palatucci reportedly said,” you have a cool sounding name, you’re Mr. White.”
The GOP is reportedly planning to take their case to court, confident they will prevail if given the chance.
“By the time this gets to the Supreme Court, the governor will have replaced that extremist bunch with a group of good old fashioned, gun-toting, bible thumping conservatives. Hell, if we wait long enough Chiesa will be Chief Justice. ”
