If you have any investment in the News Corp (NWSA) hacking scandal hearings, you’re likely watching them (or reading a liveblog of them) at this very moment! And if you’re a cognizant human being, they very well might be driving you to drink before noon. In which case, we have a decent way to pass both the time and the sauce.
Sips:
• Every time you Tweet (non-media reporters).
• Every time somebody says they didn’t have any “direct knowledge” of anything.
• Every time Rupert looks down and shakes his jowls in disappointment.
• Every time Wendi Deng looks enraged.
• Every time Mrs. Dashwood looks enraged.
• “Process.” [Via Armando Iannucci]
• “Proactive.” [Via Armando Iannucci]
• Every time Armando Innucci Tweets something and you think to yourself, What would Malcolm Tucker do?
• Every time Joel Klein gets in the frame, and you think to yourself, Why is he there, again?
• Every time Harry Evans is in the frame and you think to yourself, Why is he there, again?
• And then you remember, Oh, schadenfreude.
• Every time you remember what an awful Christmas Tiny Tim had last year.
• Table-banging, by members of Parliament.
Swigs:
• Every time you Tweet (media reporters).
• Every time anyone wants to be “clear.”
• Every time Rupert Murdoch interrupts James.
• Every time Rupert Murdoch interrupts anybody.
• Every time Rupert Murdoch dozes off.
• Every time Rupert Murdoch does anything to appear a feeble old man, the kind who shelters children in his mansion during wars, and not just mansions, we should note, but mansions with magical wardrobes inside of them. Magical wardrobes that are bugged.
The rest of your drink:
• If Murdoch says anything about anything being stuck in his face.
• Every time Murdoch’s face and mouth are confused.
• “Quantum.”
• “Shocked.”
• “Generous.”
• “Surprised.”
• “Muggles.”
• Table-banging, by members of the Murdoch table.
• Any time we learn somebody is not a lawyer, which we learned via the strategy of their incredibly expensive and well-trained lawyers.
• If News Corp shares move beyond seven points in either direction because of this nonsense.
The bottle:
• If Michael Wolff bursts into the galley screaming the “Jesus Christ Superstar” reprise.
• If Rupert is swept away/rescued by a squadron of Death Eaters who vanish in a plume of black smoke.
• If at any point any Murdoch is actually pleased to receive a question that isn’t “We done here?”
• When, after a certain point, all you can see is this.
Pour one out:
• For Glenn.
• For Rebekah.
• For Les.
• For Singapore.
[Sober Version: Murdoch Hearing Bingo.]
fkamer@observer.com | @weareyourfek
