In June the European Taxidermy Federation warned its members to be wary of people asking about rhinos but failing to leave their names and contact information. Such people, it said, “are probably not normal businessmen.” — Rhino Horns Put Europe’s Museums on Thieves’ Must-Visit List
To the American Museum of Natural History,
Good morrow to you, my good sirs. My name is — well, never mind my name. I am by trade a normal businessman, and I’d like to ask you a few things about rhinos.
I’ve no doubt that my research methods may strike you as unconventional but you see, as a normal businessman, I’m very pressed for time on most days and prefer to get my information directly from the source. But that the rhinos could answer my questions themselves, whispering their answers to me as I lean my head to those rough lips, supporting myself by looping an arm around that thick, luscious horn.
1.) What is the diet of an average rhino?
2.) Where do rhinos live anyway?
3.) How well protected are their horns, usually?
4.) Are the horns naturally detachable?
5.) Do you have any horns that I might buy from you?
6.) This is the deal of a lifetime, and I’ll cut you in on it.
7.) What is the term for a female rhino?
I very much appreciate your help with my research. Don’t contact me, I’ll contact you.
Tied to a brick and thrown through a window facing the park,