The Five Best Possible Bars and Boîtes Based on Conde Nast Publications

Vogue Cafe, in Moscow.

If you go to 5 Baltschug Street in Moscow, Russia, you’ll see a 17th Century building with Maybachs and Bentleys lying idly nearby, all waiting for the men they drive around to return from a certain smoke-filled lounge. It’s a place where the rich men of that city can enjoy cocktails and bottles, all while ensconced in dark wood and soft leather. It’s one of the hottest spots in the city.

It’s called GQ Bar, but there’s no copyright infringement — Conde Nast partnered with a Russian hospitality firm and opened the place a few years ago.

Today, the magazine behemoth announced more bars and restaurants branded with one of their publications: a Vogue Cafe in Kiev and a GQ Bar in Istanbul. The plans mark the first Conde-fication of boîtes outside of Moscow, where they’ve also installed a Vogue Cafe and a Tatler Club.

“Vogue and GQ stand for the best in taste, discernment and pleasurable living,” Conde Nast International chairman Jonathan Newhouse said in a statement to WWD. “Nothing could be more natural than to expand these brands into restaurants where our readers and digital users can experience these brands in a new and exciting form.”

But why such a slow roll out? The possibilities here are endless! Take note, Si, because here are some ideas for some new places to get wasted that bear the Conde stamp of approval.

The Bon Appetit Wild Whiskey Tavern and Grilling Bar (Bardstown, Kentucky)

You know who loves drinking cocktails and grilling meat? Bon Appetit editor Adam Rapoport loves drinking cocktails and grilling meat. As long as his Twitter account isn’t an imposter, it appears he spent the summer doing those two things exceptionally often. Why not deal with that pesky magazine thing later and open up a place where one can indulge in steak and spirits all the time? The Bon Appetit Wild Whiskey Tavern and Grilling Bar — in Bardstown, Kentucky, bourbon capital of the world — will allow him, and his like-minded colleagues, to do just that.

The Teen Vogue Totally Virgin Margarita Bar! ( King of Prussia Mall, Upper Merion Township, Pennsylvania)

When you’re 15, running around the mall shopping all day can get exhausting. Why not sit down and have a refreshing summery beverage? Everyone loves margaritas — but don’t worry, mom and dad, Conde Nast will make sure these drinks are completely booze-free. Located in the biggest mall in the east coast, The Teen Vogue Totally Virgin Margarita Bar! will sling a warm weather favorite to girls who want to relax, open up a magazine and discover new ways to trick boys with their wiles. Nail polish not included.

Architectural Digest Presents: Simply Kitchen (Westchester, New York)

Some restaurants have the most breathtaking interiors, featuring ceilings of cascading buttresses that burst out from all sides to create spectacular rooms in which to dine. But that’s exactly the problem — the food is too darn distracting. The brains at Conde Nast have the answer: What about an eatery with no food? Architectural Digest Presents: Simply Kitchen is a reprieve from the places that waste gorgeous design on starving patrons. With nothing to eat, you have to focus on how beautiful everything is. Don’t you see? Don’t you see how fucking beautiful this space is? It’s fucking amazing, right? Plus, it works with any diet you might be on.

The Wired Experimental Hologram Food Laboratory (Cupertino, California)

The no-food Architectural Digest restaurant was a hit! Now, in California, those tech geniuses at Wired bring you another place where no actual eating is required. Instead, visitors sit at their silver-and-metal table (come to think of it, the whole place looks like a giant iPod) and after they order, holographic images of the food are beamed down onto their plates. The response on Twitter is ecstatic. Haven’t you heard? People don’t order their food to actually eat it anymore — they just take a picture of their extravagant meal with Instagram, and load it onto their Tumblr so everyone can see.

Brides Presents: Bachelorette Pad (Las Vegas, Nevada)

When it comes to pre-wedding bashes, why does it still seem like guys have all the fun? Brides wants to let the ladies know that The Vegas is not just for the grooms-to-be anymore. Bachelorette Pad is a giant space inside the MGM Grand stocked with liquor, food and every kind of male stripper under the sun: firemen, policemen, lion tamers, teachers, lawyers, traders, hot thieves, everything. Whatever fantasy you might have, Brides provides it. But don’t blame Conde when you can’t remember a thing the next morning

There you go! See you at the grill, Mr. Rapoport. I’ll bring the Stoli, you bring the steaks. The Five Best Possible Bars and Boîtes Based on Conde Nast Publications