10 New Year’s Resolutions from a Social Media Rockstar-Guru-Ninja

Mr. Condron.

Seamus Condron is a former social media expert and current unemployed social media expert. He’s produced actual work at organizations such as Mediabistro, Hearst, and ReadWriteWeb. He has never worked at Cinnabon. You can visit him at http://seamus.is to learn more.

Phew! This year sure went by fast. I’ll be honest—the year did not start out too well. I unexpectedly lost my social media/cashier gig at Cinnabon when I was accused of too much tweeting and not enough sweeping. Fucking bureaucrats.

I decided then and there to listen to the voice inside me and finally become a social media expert. The mall’s loss is the internet’s gain.

I put the wizard pedal to the social metal in 2011, serving up kick-ass thoughts, ideas, and Instagrams of inanimate objects to my many clients (i.e. Twitter followers). Even though my year was full of earth-shattering pontificating and plagiarized SlideShare presentations, I know there is some marginal room for additional ROI. After all, where would us social media folk be without our humility?

In that spirit, I conjured up some practical New Year’s resolutions to get my 2012 started in fine guru fashion. And unlike 99 percent of my thoughts on social media, the following resolutions are completely original!

  1. After some soul searching, I’m dropping the “expert” moniker. I’m humble enough to admit it was making me sound a bit arrogant.  And seriously, EVERYONE is an expert these days! So starting in 2012, you may simply refer to me as Caesar.
  2. Get acquired! If startups can get acquired, why not ninjas like me? Since I don’t have an actual “job,” messy conflicts of interest are not a problem! All I ask is that whoever is smart enough to get my incalculable talents can also provide me with basic shelter, three square meals a day, and a standard physical exam.
  3. Change profile on my Twitter account to reflect that I am the founder of it. YAY! I’m a founder. Being an entrepreneur has never been so easy.
  4. Fund my Kickstarter dream project—A spectacular musical interpretation of my comments on TechCrunch this year. I’ve already reached out to Hugh Jackman’s people. The Tony award is mine.
  5. Compliment my Bachelor’s in “Guruism” and Masters in “Rockstar” with a GED.
  6. Maintain ties with Cinnabon.
  7. Get noticed by Google (and the ladies) with my new “Conceive Kids to Code” initiative.
  8. Celebrate the launch of my 100th Community Management Meetup by organizing a field trip to Jonestown.
  9. Launch my stealth iPhone app. What is it? I don’t even know. So exciting!
  10. Come up with a response other than “hey, look over there!” when prospective employers ask me for actual examples of my work.
10 New Year’s Resolutions from a Social Media Rockstar-Guru-Ninja