Another Crazy Investment Banker Follows You to London, Claims to Be Israeli Spy

Hi honey! Missed you!

Are you sitting down? Okay, don’t freak out or anything, because we know you are still mad that we posted that investment banker’s very convincing letter about why you should go out with him again–People don’t grow on trees; on a minute-to-minute basis, you guys had the maximum amount of eye contact; if you didn’t find him attractive it would have been irrational for you to go out on a first date, ergo, you are attracted to him, etc.,– but we think you really should know that your other investment banker paramour (you know, the really creepy one) is in The New York Post today because of that time he followed you to London so that he could sexually harass you in a different accent and was also an Israeli spy?

Yeah, we don’t know what you saw in him, either.

According to The Post, one David A. Gray, investment banker for JPMorgan and superspy, lived a double life. Not only was he happily married, but was having an affair with a young woman from the office as well. But when she transferred to London, things got serious(ly crazy):

…the heartsick sap started piling up frequent-flier miles — going to London four times in August alone.

On one of his trips, he showed up at her apartment, where he found her with a new boyfriend — sending Gray into a fit of jealousy.

He also claimed to be an Israeli spy when he was stopped outside a London hotel carrying a box of Cuban cigars and two bottles of whiskey — peace offerings to Rausnitz’s father, who was holed up with his daughter inside.

Gray also claimed he was gravely ill in a Paris hospital and another time he lied that his sister had died to get Rausnitz’s sympathy.

Seriously, this guy makes yesterday’s investment banker looks like James Dean. His own lawyer called him “a pathetic, lovelorn fool,” and in one instance he managed to send 176 texts and 23 e-mails in just 16 hours. (He wasn’t calling, we assume, because AT&T would have destroyed him on the international minutes.)
So anywhoozle, the British courts have now convicted him of “transatlantic harassment,” which we assume is like regular harassment except you have to spend  five hours in coach watching terrible comedies that you purposely avoided seeing in the theaters, and which will inevitably star Justin Long or Tyler Perry.
Sorry about you ex,


Another Crazy Investment Banker Follows You to London, Claims to Be Israeli Spy