Holiday Gift Guide: Gifts I Never Want to Receive

This is from the "For Him" section at Sharper Image. Aside from the fact that I mostly like to bury my money in secret holes I've dug in several American deserts—and convert the rest of my earnings into gold bullion—this wallet looks stupid.
This is a picture of some random family. Their festive-ness, like all festive-ness, looks pretty forced.
Go here:
"Hey, Ma. Dad. Merry Christmas to you too. I also heard this movie was really gripping and—woah that's Michael Fassbender's wang."
Fitness! Health! Weight Loss! Nutrition! Sex! Style! Guy Wisdom!
Ghost of Christmas Present is just the worst. And I don't like being awoken in the middle of the night.
Life is filled with pain and misery and general human suffering, and I don't really like sports very much.
Because, as the ad states, my crumbling meat loaf is a pain to serve and I'm tired of the bottom getting so soggy it just falls apart. That Ultra Cuddle crap can go to hell, though.

The gifts I do like fall more into the money/free food department. Reader, you’ve been warned.

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