February 20th, 2012: Never Fear, Gay Citizens: Ombuds-Man Will Protect Civil Unions In New Jersey!
Faster than EZ Pass! More powerful than New Jersey Transit! Able to leap the Prudential Center in a single bound!
“Look up in the sky! It’s a Rainbow! It’s a Pink Triangle!” “No, it’s Ombuds-Man!”
It’s Ombuds-Man! By day, a mild-mannered reporter for PolitickerNJ. But when he hears the distressed call of a gay or lesbian couple in need, —he dons his rainbow cape and purple mask. Ombuds-Man swishes off whereever there is civil union trouble.
Secretly, he gets his power from the glowing gold dome at the Statehouse in Trenton, and can never be further away from it than the distance to Bergen County in the north or Cape May in the south.
“I have been just as adamant that same-sex couples in a civil union deserve the very same rights and benefits enjoyed by married couples — as well as the strict enforcement of those rights and benefits,” Gov. Christie said. “Ombuds-Man should be able to ensure the state’s civil union law is being followed.”
“That’s good, because the real problem is that Gay couples don’t know how to be ‘married’ since they are civil-unioned…civil-unionized…civil-unionizationalized. Anyway, ‘Ombuds-Man’ is here to help Gay couples,” noted an unnamed spokesman for the governor’s office.
Take ‘Richard’ and ‘Carl’ (not their real names): Recently, Ombuds-Man heard their cry for help. When he arrived in their suburban home, they were arguing like an ‘old-married couple’, but were doing it all wrong—because they’ve never been married.
Richard : “Carl always leaves his underwear on the floor.” Carl: “Richard never puts the cap back on the toothpaste.”
Ombuds-Man saved the day: “Carl, from now on, you go ‘commando’. Richard, you stop brushing your teeth altogether. Problem solved!”
Richard & Carl: “Thank you, Ombuds-Man! You’re the greatest! With Ombuds-Man, we’ll never need to get married. Who needs to get married when we have — Ombuds-Man!!!”
“No, problem, Gay citizens.’ If your union is un-civil, just call Ombuds-Man to stop that drivel! Up, up and away! I hear the call of a lesbian couple in Hoboken!”
“Ombuds-Man’s only weakness is ‘pure logic’. Thank goodness you’ll not find too much of that in Trenton,” explained the unnamed spokesman for the governor’s office.
“I am sure that African-American citizens in the South in the 1950s, would have wanted an ‘Ombuds-Man’ of their own—someone to ensure the strict enforcement of their rights and benefits to sit in the back of a bus, use ‘For Coloreds Only’ water fountains, and have ‘separate but equal’ schools,” added Gov. Christie.