When It Comes to Dating, Dirty Bubble Blows Out All the Mystery, Keeps All the Creepy

It's like Rate My Professors meets Hotornot.com.

(Getty Images)

Have you ever wondered why there wasn’t a Yelp but for people? Neither did we, but apparently there is, and it’s called Dirty Bubble. If you’re not turned off by the name, just wait until you hear what it does.

Dirty Bubble fancies itself as “a place for people to rate, share and review their previous relationships and hookups,” and allows users to make profiles—not for themselves—but for their exes. Then, would-be suitors can read reviews and see how many stars their potential date got in categories like sanity, generosity and hygiene. “Why?” the introductory video rhetorically asks, “Wouldn’t you want to know a little about someone’s background or personality before dating them?” Actually, no, we wouldn’t—or at least we don’t want to hear about it the same way we want to read reviews about the Lumia 900 or the new iPad.

Many of today’s eligible bachelors are so accustomed to looking up absolutely everything that it now seems to be the exception for two people to go out without at least checking out each other’s Facebook profiles. But what happened to the blind date? The intrigue, the mystery? Review and rating sites definitely have their place in this world: we love them. But how did no one in the Dirty Bubble development meeting raise the notion that applying the properties of Yelp and Foursquare to people in the dating scene encourages objectivity and is just flat out creepy? Try this: if you’re out with someone that doesn’t click—just say goodbye and walk away. Like a normal person.

Dirty Bubble ensures all your reviews are collected in one place by requiring all users to login with Facebook Connect and then find their victim’s corresponding profile. If this service has to exist, at least there’s a method to it. The problem is that users can only review those that they’re already Facebook friends with. So even if you got the first and last name of the sultry barfly you stumbled into the night with, you’re not going to be able to dish until that friend request gets approved.

The video, which is so unapologetically sincere, tells us that, “for the record, once you join, your profile is completely private. The only profile of you visible to others is the one that somebody else has created to rate you.” How reassuring.

So far there doesn’t seem to be a way to opt out of this—so hopefully you’re not reading this next to someone you care about. If you are lucky enough to be alone—consider it a dodged bullet—and just hope whoever you end up taking home never, ever hears about Dirty Bubble.

Even though it was very risky and way above our pay grade, Betabeat logged in to bring back this image from the front lines but had to get out of there before things got FUBAR—Dirty Bubble is a battlezone and Betabeat is certainly no war correspondent.

Most profiles on Dirty Bubble, which launched this past January, only have a handful of reviews that say things like, “She wanted to be a pop star and didn’t want to be my housewife,” or “AWESOME. until it was numbingly boring.”

At present, the privately funded $100,000 company does not have a mobile app, so rest assured, if your date is having a staring contest with their phone, at worst they’re requesting an “emergency” phone call so you won’t feel inadequate when they have to rush home to “take care of” their “roommate” with “food poisoning.”

When It Comes to Dating, Dirty Bubble Blows Out All the Mystery, Keeps All the Creepy