It’s a fun day to be david einhorn: As Green Mountain Coffee Roasters stock plummeted in the wake of disappointing second quarter results, the Greenlight Capital hedge fund manager—famously short Green Mountain, maker of K-cup coffee pods—published a 4,000-word homily in Huffington Post that ranges from jelly donuts to the Simpson family’s financial future to oil prices and income inequality to argue the Fed’s zero interest rate binge is hurting the economy.
The Internet is busy digesting the essay, so let’s start with the donuts. One jelly donut is an energy boost, Einhorn writes, two donuts an indulgent breakfast:
“Three Jelly Donuts may induce a tummy ache. Six Jelly Donuts — that’s an eating disorder. Twelve Jelly Donuts is fraternity pledge hazing. My point is that you can have too much of a good thing and overdoses are destructive.”
That established, Einhorn posits a Springfield in which a retirement-aged Homer and Marge Simpson struggle to earn enough interest on savings and pension to get by and Bart is skating by in spite of mounting credit card debt. Lisa is putting off buying a home because knows mortgage rates will stay low through 2014, and Maggie’s not ready to expand her business in the sluggish economy Einhorn says low rates are no longer capable of improving. (Mr. Burns is there too, wiggling his money-grubbing fingers.)
Einhorn says raising rates would help restore markets to a natural balance, giving Lisa and Maggie reason to invest, ending Mr. Burns access to free money with which to speculate and letting Home and Marge retire with some financial security:
“Quit trying to fool them into thinking they’re wealthy and instead give them the opportunity to retire with some financial security. With a little extra money in their pocket, Marge can go back to the beauty parlor, and Homer can support the beer and bowling economy.”
Anyway, it’s a fun read, and to wash that down: We can’t help wondering if Einhorn timed the publication of the piece with Green Mountain’s earnings—the stock was down 48 percent this afternoon the company missed Wall Street’s sales estimates. In October, Einhorn presented a 110-page slideshow questioning the company’s accounting methods, and in March, he told Bloomberg that Starbucks’ entry into the coffee pod market was “part of the competitive onslaught hitting Green Mountain.”
[Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images]
