J.P. Morgan’s Jamie Dimon and the Texas Dinner Party Trash Talk He Didn’t Use

Today in The New York Times, a wonderful report emerges about karma, and mantras, and about people putting themselves in unenviable positions that has nothing to do with yoga so much as the go-around-come-around things embattled JP Morgan führer Jamie Dimon once said at a dinner party that are now making the rounds (and making him look not so great).

Gretchen Morgenson reports on the gossip in the wake of a JP Morgan-sponsored dinner party last month for the bank’s moneyed Dallas clientele, where Dimon decided to take some questions. One of them was about the pro-banking regulation views of Paul Volcker and the president of the Federal Reserve of Dallas, Richard W. Fisher.

Mr. Dimon responded that he had just two words to describe them: “infantile” and “nonfactual.” He went on to lambaste Mr. Fisher further, according to the attendee. Some in the room were taken aback by the comments.

Let’s be real, here: This isn’t so bad. People in Dallas were “taken aback” by Lamar Odom. Of course they’re going to be a little shocked when a guy who is constantly under assail for flaunting banking regulation on the whole whips out some “real talk” and bangs it on the dinner table in order to kowtow to his Lone Star State pals. He could’ve done much worse.

For example:

  • “Volker? I barely knew her!”
  • “We’ve got some of our equities guys from the Dallas outpost here with us tonight. (Applause.) I have a message to them from their colleagues in New York, let’s see here (opens piece of paper, slowly reads): ‘You are a lower-form of life, you pathetic backwater ingrates.’ Oh, wait, oh my god. I’m so sorry. I apologize. I read from the wrong piece of paper. That appears to be our official response to the latest wave of derivatives regulation.”
  • “What’s the different between a cattle rancher and Paul Volcker? One stirs up a bunch of dumb animals who, regardless of where they stand at the end of the day, are still milked dry by the tits. The other one is a cattle rancher.”
  • “Listen, you’re all worried about Volcker, I get that. Believe me, I get that. Maybe he does know where the bodies are buried. But if you think he’s gonna be a problem around these parts, just remember, your idea of law enforcement are the guys who still have no idea who the fuck shot J.R.”
  • “Q: Why’d the banking regulator cross the road? A: If you hire him in the middle of it, you won’t have to find out.”
  • “Hear that, everyone? Someone just asked me about the threat that Texas Fed president Richard Fisher presents to their money. Look, I’m from New York. Only in Texas are they naive enough to worry about a guy named Dick Fisher. If I were you, I’d be much more concerned with his deputy, Mark Ed Horsefucker.”


We’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip the obese Indian guys at your table on their way to prison. Hey-yo!

At JPMorgan, the Ghost of Dinner Parties Past [NYT]

fkamer@observer.com | @weareyourfek

J.P. Morgan’s Jamie Dimon and the Texas Dinner Party Trash Talk He Didn’t Use