Please Stop Talking About Apple Products Like They’re Naked Ladies

Is this a press conference or a threesome?

Apple’s latest press conference slash gadget revival meeting and laying-on of hands just concluded. As expected, the iPad Mini made its grand entrance into the wider world, along with an array of incremental updates to existing product lines.

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Only, there’s no such thing as an incremental update to an Apple product.

One of the men responsible for whipping the crowd into a frenzy was product honcho Phil Schiller, who did his absolutely damnedest to get us all riled up about the latest version of the MacBook and the Mac mini and so forth. Naturally, he sounded a little over-the-top in his loving descriptions of the company’s wares. TechCrunch writer John Constine mocked Mr. Schiller’s tone with a Lord of the Rings reference: “Phil Schiller on the new 13-inch MacBook Pro: ‘So thin, so beautiful, my preciouuuuussss.’”

But as we switched over to the livestream, just in time to catch the introduction of the new 13-inch MacBook pro (with an oh-so-crystal-clear retina display), we couldn’t help but characterize Mr. Schiller’s tone a little differently. It felt… weirdly intimate.

It sounded a little like Mr. Schiller was rhapsodizing about someone in the nude–specifically, a current or soon-to-be sexual partner.
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Please Stop Talking About Apple Products Like They’re Naked Ladies