To: Employees of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce
To all staff,
Just a quick reminder, all meetings should happen in the office, during office hours. Otherwise, it is considered entertaining.
We have two conference rooms available and would be happy to accommodate any needs you may have. They are brightly lit, and highly visible with clear glass windows that allow for everyone in the office to see you, say, cry or weep or berate an underling. It’s actually impossible to not see this happening. So be aware of that. Thanks!
Some people who will go unnamed had reported that they were uncomfortable witnessing bouts of anger, rage and world weary looks that betrayed the hint of crippling sadness crushing you like a stone thanks to a life gone dangerously awry. They were immediately dismissed.
Others have requested we merely install blinds in the conference rooms. We are looking into it, but are currently unable to accommodate said request.
If your meeting is of a more clandestine nature please reserve the mysterious room at the end of the hall labeled “Private.” Note: This is the room that was previously labeled “Super Top Secret Accounts” and prior to that, somehow, “Expressly Forbidden Heinz Ketchup Pitches.”
The television department has requested that you refrain from using their American Broadcasting Corporation mug, which is reserved for use by the head of the television department, exclusively.
Once last week it was unavailable and Mr. Crane was forced to take his morning coffee in a whisky tumbler. Again, this mug is only for people who bring in money during daylight hours.
Also, re: timecards. You MUST punch yourself out at the end of each workday. Having a co-worker punch you out is grounds for immediate termination especially if you are terrible at doing that thing where you try to talk behind a person’s back and they turn around at superhuman speeds and catch you.
We all enjoy celebrating the birthdays of our co-workers, however, if you leave the premises to purchase a group present for the birthday boy or girl you must punch your own time card out.
In the event you are fired and have gathered your belongings in a box PLEASE make sure that said box has a sad little plant sticking out of the top of it when you make your walk to the elevators. This is just how things are done. If you do not have an exit walkout plant we would be happy to provide you with one.
It’s come to our attention that someone has been stealing tin foil from the office kitchen. Please stop this immediately. We are happy to provide the foil for your cooking and sealing needs but remember that foil is there for ALL of us to share and enjoy. Last week Mr Crane tried to wrap up part of a danish in tin foil to enjoy later on only to find no foil, which forced him to just eat the whole thing on the spot, standing over the sink.
White Go-go boots have been spotted on several staffers and despite what you may have been assured by Mr. Sterling, after hours, these are not considered appropriate office attire.
Due to some recent events we are now requesting that the firing of secretaries goes through the human resources department. You will be required to fill out four forms in triplicate which must then be initialed by at least two partners, copied again, and submitted for approval. Note: this replaces the previous system: angrily barking at someone on a staircase. Thank you in advance!
And finally, weird, pushy characters suddenly appearing in every third scene must not, under any circumstances, ask Mr Draper, “So how are things going?” Incidents of this kind are subject to an immediate dismissive scowl and possible dead eyed glare from Mr. Draper.
Head of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Human Resources