Today, Ashton Kutcher’s take on Steve Jobs hits theaters. There’s a good chance many of you will decide to check it out. But you’ll probably want to be prepared, right? And by that we mean smuggle a flask of whisky into a late-night showing. It definitely seems like Woz could’ve used a drink while watching.
Just in case, here is a handy drinking game. Feel free to cue it up on your phone and play along the theater, but only if you’re sitting next to Hunter Walk, of course.
Take a drink whenever you see:
Steve Jobs discussing and/or using LSD.
Steve Jobs screaming at someone.
Steve Jobs dicking someone over.
Steve Jobs makes the namaste fingers.
Apple playing fruit basket turnover with its executive team.
Any long, lingering shot of the Steve Jobs(TM) walk that Ashton clearly spent 10,000 hours perfecting and is very proud of.
Woz behaving like a nerd stereotype (Star Trek references; general awkwardness).
Someone tells Steve Jobs something can’t be done.
Steve Jobs does something someone said couldn’t be done.
Any time you’re expected to react to an Apple product like it’s the literal Holy Grail.
Steve Jobs eats a piece of fruit and/or a nut very deliberately.
Any winky-winky references to IBM and gee willickers how will Apple compete?
Any grand scene of triumph where Steve Jobs does something, however mundane, and suddenly the music swells like you’re watching the final scene of a movie about sports.
Drain the glass and shake your damn head:
When you realize this movie will likely be shown to high school computer science classes full of bored teenagers in perpetuity.