Poop Like You’ve Never Pooped Before With the Squatty Potty

Bonus: it will make you feel like a baboon who's had too many burritos.

Anorectal, y'all. (Screengrab: SquattyPotty.com)
Anorectal, y’all. (Screengrab: SquattyPotty.com)

Your bathroom time might feel satisfying, but guess what? You’re messing up big time, and we’re not just talking about what happens inside the bowl. Thankfully, startup-starters simply can’t stay out of our bathrooms, so allow the makers of the Squatty Potty to educate your ass.

It turns out, humans have been defecating the wrong way for centuries. We’re not supposed to sit majestically on the porcelain throne, like dookie kings and queens. Instead, our bodies are designed to squat on the john like a Little League teeball coach addressing his ranks.

The squat, you see, “relaxes your muscles in just the right way to create optimal inner plumbing movement and can potentially combat some pretty serious diseases like colitis and colon cancer,” Fast Company reports, because there’s nothing like the threat of cancer to move some product.

On the Squatty Potty website, the device’s makers actually refer to it as a “stool” several times with a straight face. It’s a “toilet stool” that “is much more than a stool,” they assure us. “It’s a carefully engineered product that puts YOU in exactly the correct position for optimal elimination,” and “keeps ITSELF out of the way when not in use.”

Squatty Potty sells three models which they anthropomorphize with the following slogans: “I’m strong & economical” for the plastic baby-toilet-looking job; “I’m sleek & classy” for one that we might not refer to with either of those adjectives; and “I’m luxurious & green” for one that is as brown as a butt goblin.

If the Squatty Potty works, let us know–for now, we’ll be eschewing it because it frankly just seems like one more thing to clean and trip over in the bathroom. Poop Like You’ve Never Pooped Before With the Squatty Potty