‘Spreadsheets’ App Measures How Loud You Moan to Determine If You’re Good at Sex

It cannot, however, determine if you're faking it.

"Lol sorry for ejaculating prematurely." (Photo: Spreadsheets)
“Lol sorry for ejaculating prematurely.” (Photo: Spreadsheets)

Here at Betabeat, we’ve always said the key metric for determining a good sex partner is the decibel at which they shriek during intercourse.

Now a new app called “Spreadsheets” promises to help you quantify all of the things that supposedly add up to satisfying sex–such as the number of thrusts and the pitch of your scream–to determine whether or not you’re good in the sack. (Hint: if you need an app to figure this out, you’re probably not.)

According to Spreadsheets’ website, the app lets you “find out how many thrusts per minute you’re averaging, how long you go for, and exactly how loud it gets. Keep a record of your encounters, date, time, and performance.”

Like Kahnoodle, the helpful app that pings you when it’s time to bang, Spreadsheets also offers “achievements” to regular users, which can be unlocked based on how frequently you use the app to measure your sexytime. Because nothing says “awesome sex” like someone screaming for an hour and a half while they jackrabbit you in an attempt to unlock app achievements.

Spreadsheets promises that it does not actually collect audio or video recordings of your sessions, though Snapchat promises your snaps are ephemeral, so ya know, grain of salt.

Whether you’re a data nerd or a curious virgin, Spreadsheets is a great way to convince your significant other that their fake, porn-y screaming is totally a turn on.

(h/t Peter Sterne) ‘Spreadsheets’ App Measures How Loud You Moan to Determine If You’re Good at Sex