Steve Jobs’s first girlfriend, Chrisann Brennan, has written a memoir about her time with the tech giant. It’s called “The Bite in the Apple: A Memoir of My Life With Steve Jobs,” and the only thing that’ll make you cringe harder than its title is the sample of it that the New York Post published today.
Now, we can’t condemn Mr. Jobs for the beans his ex is spilling, as the late CEO is sadly no longer around to tell his side of the story.
That said, the Post points out that after Mr. Jobs’s and Ms. Brennan’s relationship was called on account of pregnancy, the latter “worked as a waitress and collected welfare checks to support herself and their baby daughter,” while Mr. Jobs repeatedly denied that he was the baby’s father, despite a positive paternity test. He also said to Time magazine in 1983, “28 percent of the male population in the United States could be the father.” And we haven’t even gotten to the part written by his scorned ex yet.
Here are a few of Ms. Brennan’s most perplexing and/or damning nuggets of info:
- Mr. Jobs thought he’d been a World War II pilot in a past life, and he “even danced like he was from the forties” at Apple’s first party. Mmkay.
- Ms. Brennan, Mr. Jobs and “his buddy Daniel” lived together in a rental house in Cupertino for a while. Why the third wheel? “Steve told me that he didn’t want to get a house with just the two of us because it felt insufficient to him,” Ms. Brennan writes, reminding us that all this took place decades before He’s Just Not That Into You graced bookstore shelves.
- Ms. Brennan and Mr. Jobs were pretty bored of each other at times, but still had ridic sex–so ridic, in fact, he called her up years later, and while married to someone else, to thank her because they “shared nights of lovemaking so profound.” Barf but also, damn girl.
- Mr. Jobs decided he wanted to swap rooms with Ms. Brennan, so he physically picked her up and moved her, before tossing all her belongings into the smaller room. But she felt he was entitled because he’d paid the security deposit, which is a great reminder to us all that there’s actually no such thing as a free ride when your soon-to-be-rich techie boyfriend’s footing the bill.
- One time, Mr. Jobs put John Draper on speakerphone, unbeknownst to him, so that everyone could hear him and make fun of him. Ms. Brennan “didn’t like it.”
- Despite his nutty productivity and work ethic, Mr. Jobs “bragged about being lazy … he’d throw his head back with his eyes unfocused and croon, ‘I am just the laziest man in the world.'” Can you imagine the humblebrags homeboy would have unleashed via Facebook if it was around back then?
- The day after a party, Mr. Jobs looked at a pile of dirty dishes and wondered aloud what should be done about it, implying that he’d like some sort of cleaning service. “He had entered into an elite world where others took care of the lower-level functions so that he could operate with more efficiency, on his presumably higher plane,” Ms. Brennan writes. She proceeded to do the dishes for him, and countless readers no doubt proceeded to cringe in remembrances of terrible relationships past.
- One time, Mr. Jobs told Ms. Brennan she had too many wrinkles on her forehead, then “literally reach[ed] over and smooth[ed] my forehead whenever I furrowed my brow.” Somehow, Ms. Brennan did not punch him in the face.
- He was also a dick to waiters and people in the service industry, Ms. Brennan says. “His behaviors didn’t improve with success, they changed from adolescent and dopey to just plain vicious.”
Whether all these tidbits are true or not, one thing’s for sure: this cautionary tale would make the perfect gift for the budding tech (or finance or otherwise corporate) douche in your life.
(h/t New York Mag)