A Message From Your Friendly Gowanus Whole Foods

Photo credit: Brokelyn
Photo credit: Brokelyn

Hi! Hi there! Hi! Boo!

Ah….boo! There you are. I see you! Did you forget about your Auntie Whole Foods? You have, haven’t you, you widdle-biddle-Brooklyn consumer! Yes you are! Yes you are!

Where have you been? You remember how excited you were to see me last month? What happened? Have you been thinking about me? I’ve been thinking about you!

Shh, don’t cry, don’t cry! Look at all the weird, unexpected stuff I have for you! Look, knives! I have knives! Bright, shiny knives! Way, way too many knives and knife-related sharpening stations to make you feel comfortable!

Okay, seriously, stop crying.

Hey, I have an idea! Can you count how many unusual things I brought you? No? Really? Just try, I’m sure you can do it. See, Brokelyn made a list! Huffington Post made a list! Thrillist made a list. Can you make a list?

Come on, just try. Huffington Post made another list in the time it’s taken for me to tell you this. Isn’t that adorable? That one is about make-up. Can you say make-up? “Maaaaaaake. Uppppp.”

No? How about “sustainable beauty products?” Come on, I know you can do it!

Hmm, that sounds a lot like “Overpriced gentrifying eye-sore masquerading as feel-good faux-Locavorism.” Not, quite, but you’re getting there! Try again!

This time, let’s try to say it with a little less throw-up. Can we try that? Yay! We’re having so much fun!

A Message From Your Friendly Gowanus Whole Foods