App Promises to Hypnotize Your Lazy Ass Into Losing Weight

"Hi, NYSC? I'd like to cancel my membership."

I'll take a "quick toot" please. (Photo:
I’ll take a ‘quick toot’ please. (Photo:

In a world full of Netflix, Mallomars and double cheeseburgers, weight loss is no fun at all. Not only do we have better things to do than eat only green stuff, then feverishly try to burn it off at the gym, it’s also way too cold out to add one more stop to our commute home.

So news of this app is especially exciting for those of us still dragging our holiday weight around. It’s weirdly named the Train Trip, and it’s supposed to brainwash you into losing weight, the Daily Mail says.

That’s right. Instead of preparing healthy lunches and going within 10 feet of a hand weight, you can literally sit still with your eyes closed and listen to your iPhone tell you how to lose weight. Sign us up.

The app was developed by trained clinical hypnotherapist and former personal trainer Terrance Barnardt, the Mail reports. Users choose from “a range of hypnotherapeutic audio tracks,” plug in their earbuds and watch the pounds melt away.

O.K., not exactly. But the “positive suggestions and neurolinguistic programming” is supposed to help you reach goals, which could include weight loss. The soundtracks tackle such hard-hitting issues as how much time you take to chew your food and whether you’re relying on food as an emotional crutch, because, LOL, who isn’t?

Yeah, it sounds kind of iffy. And it’s $12.99, which is cheaper than a gym membership and some of your finer cold-pressed green juices. So why not try it? At least it’s something to take your mind off the creepy guy who’s clearly trying to smell your hair on the packed A train. App Promises to Hypnotize Your Lazy Ass Into Losing Weight