There is this place Times Scare, on 42nd Street, that bills itself as an all-year haunted house. As if that’s a good thing! You know what we normally give houses that are haunted 365 days a year? No, not cash. An exorcism. We give those houses an exorcism.
Anyway, Times Scare is the worst place to walk by on, say, a cold January evening, because occasionally these horrible clown creatures with Rob Zombie makeup will just pop out of nowhere and start laughing maniacally in your face. And, again, this is in the middle of Times Square at five p.m. on a Monday, so there is no reason why a normal human reaction wouldn’t be to mace these people in their goddamn stupid clown faces. No jury in the world would convict you.
This is all to say that I hate, I HATE, I HATE getting scare-pranked. It’s so fucking dumb. It has its time in place in October, when its appropriate to be water-boarded for spooks and giggles, but the rest of the year, leave me alone. To that end, I am boycotting the rest of this season’s The Walking Dead, which had some recent “viral” promotion where it dressed people as zombies and hid them under New York City grates.
This isn’t even the first time The Walking Dead has pulled some bullshit like this, but at least in previous incarnations they kept their shenanigans in-house. But I am not Norman Reedus and I do not deserve to have zombie-related PTSD (or Carrie-related trauma nightmares, remember that?) so everyone can watch me shit my pants on Gawker. That is a cheap, cheap way to get ratings, AMC.
No, I do not know why out of all the news that has happened recently, this is making me the maddest, but it’s been awhile since I felt anything, so we’re just going to go with it. Fuck The Walking Dead!