RHONY Season 6, Episode 12: Sex and Death

RHONY 6.12This week’s theme was the inability to let go: Kristen’s inability to let go of Glassgate, Sonja’s inability to let go of her late dog Millou, Aviva’s father’s inability to let go of being a creep, and Kristen’s husband’s inability to let go of being a horrible nightmare.

We begin with Luann and Heather shopping for bathing suits at a store called WINK, when Kristen drops by to tell them about her meeting with Ramona.

“You’ll never guess what she pulled out from behind her back,” she tells the ladies excitedly.

“Flowers?” Heather guesses immediately. Womp. Kristen wobbles for a second then continues to doggedly harp on Ramona’s general attitude/the quality of her apology, with diminishing returns. It was horrible and shouldn’t have happened, but Ramona tried to make amends, you know? Sometimes you have to make like Frozen and let. it. go.

The conversation is interrupted when Sonja calls Luann to invite her (and the other ladies by proxy) to her dog’s funeral.

“I don’t know how I feel about dog funerals, I’m not exactly a dog person,” Kristen says, already on thin ice with me. “But, you know, it’s an excuse to buy a fabulous hat.” Monstrous!

At Chez Sonja, she’s cradling a wooden box containing Millou’s ashes while new dog Marley plays with Millou’s old collar and ensures all manner of verbal abuse. PSA: don’t buy a new dog right after your old dog dies! That should go on Sonja’s Interns’ Life Lesson Syllabus posthaste. Speaking of interns, her funeral planner is a former intern, Cesar, who looks like Rob Kardashian in his halcyon days. The cadre of current and former interns at Sonja’s disposal will never not fascinate me.

Sonja and Not-Rob talk about her plan to scatter Millou’s ashes near her first apartment in New York, where she was living when she was in love and feeling really good about her life. Oof, that is dark. It becomes pretty clear that Millou’s death is wrapped up in Sonja’s feelings about divorce and aging and ending up alone, and it’s truly sad to watch, especially since the most the interns are capable of is sort of grunting and snorting in an approximation of human emotion.

Downtown, more nightmares await. Josh has some friends who are making a workout video and so he’s arranged for Kristen to audition to be the model. The dudes making the video are basically a bunch of Josh clones plus one Kristen-like producer woman (I think?), and Kristen struggles to get through the routine as she admits that she’s typically all about the “lazy girl workout” (Pilates once a week/walking her kid to school).

She gets the gig, but it seems pretty low rent — they end up filming in Kristen and Josh’s apartment — and it’s also an opportunity for Josh to stand in the kitchen grinning creepily and saying things like “How long before you can get her pooch off” and “Well hey, if it’s real, she’s going to quit pretty soon,” which don’t even really make sense and sound wholly unnecessary until you remember that Josh’s fave thing is being really mean to his wife.

Meanwhile, Carole, in an insane striped pants/jean jacket/white tee/body chain (??) ensemble, has taken over Ramona’s office to interview potential assistants. When Ramona asks how she found the applicants she says “Twitter,” so you can predict how it turns out. No one comes with resumés, one girl is looking for a new job because her old boss died to her great delight, and so on.

Sonja is hard at work as well. Just kidding — she’s hired a “healer to the stars”-type to come over to her place and play instruments over her body while she lies in bed. Talk turns to Millou and Sonja cries as she admits that she is having to learn how to be okay on her own. It’s unexpectedly moving, so it’s time to move on to the real set piece of the episode, which is the return of consummate pervert George: father of Aviva, wearer of dentures, wielder of geriatric erections.

Sonja and Harry have come over to Aviva and Reid’s for dinner, which is already seven levels of weird, but then George shows up with his 25-year-old African American girlfriend, who he claims he met at a salon where he was going to “have his scrotum waxed.”

I mean.

Other subjects covered at dinner: having sex with mirrors on the ceiling, bringing a vibrator into the bedroom, and weddings! That’s right, George proposes to 25-year-old Cody with a ring still in the shopping bag. She accepts, everyone congratulates her instead of spiriting her immediately away to safety, and Aviva makes a crack about having a 25-year-old stepmom.

Ramona, Aviva and Sonja have a lunch date conversation wherein Sonja admits she’s still mad about Ramona scaring off her 23-year-old boyfriend, but I’m honestly still reeling from the George stuff so there’s not a whole lot I remember about this scene, other than Sonja embarrassing the restaurant’s owner, who nonetheless accepts her advances semi-enthusiastically. Atta girl.

With that over, we are finally at Millou’s funeral. Sonja and interns prepare to leave, as Tyler the Uncommunicative Bro keeps saying the phrase “short blessing” as though he is trying to figure out what it means through repetition. There’s an obviously staged thing with Sonja trying to record notes for her speech and Siri interrupting her, and then we’re off.

Everyone is in VERY elaborate, almost sarcastic-seeming funeral garb, and there’s a pause in the action to pour everyone a pre-funeral cocktail, which should be de rigueur at every ceremony in the world. Sonja gives a short speech in which she says that Millou was “the best thing that ever happened before my daughter.”

Reader, I cried. What can I say? Sonja’s pathos gets to me. With her customary flair for the dramatic, she has everyone hang out on the bridge overlooking the water while she walks down to the promenade to scatter the ashes, Tyler in tow as a sort of…figurative pallbearer, I suppose. A breeze ensures that most of the ashes blow back onto Sonja end up on the sidewalk, and that’s how Millou goes out, not with a bang but a whimper, etc.

“It’s fine,” someone in the funeral party says off camera. Truer words. See you next week!

 

 

RHONY Season 6, Episode 12: Sex and Death