1. Born in the Wild: the new Lifetime show about the miracle of life and squatting in the woods. “What happens when the craziest experience of a woman’s life becomes truly wild, and soon-to-be parents decide to take on an unassisted birth in the outdoors?” Reads the press release that’s really trying to make sure we never have sex again. Based on a viral video.
2. Rock of Love: A show about herpes simplex B, by herpes simplex B.
3. Married By America : This 2003 Fox show would have been awesome if we actually held the winners to their binding nuptials, instead of letting them go their separate ways after airing. Or wait, follow-up: Divorced by America!
4. Bridalplasty and The Swan: The womp womps of late aught plastic surgery programming.
5. Preacher’s Daughter: Lifetime agrees that there is nothing more godly than being on reality television.
6. Lindsay: You know how we feel about this, OWN.
7. Growing Up Gotti: Two words: Victoria Gotti.
8. Kept: former Mick Jagger wife Jerry Hall makes men compete to be her “kept” boy toy. The winner was a guy named Seth and he sucked balls.
9. I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant: Natasha Leggero pretty much sums it up.
10. Sarah Palin’s Alaska: Too scary to watch…everytime we turned on the television, we were reminded how close this women came to almost being the VP. At least we got a good Nancy Franklin piece out of it.