Kristen has gotten the bright idea to take all the ladies to Montana for Labor Day Weekend, a proposition she discusses with Carole while they’re getting bikini waxes. They also rehash the rumor from last week that Sonja and Carole’s ex Russ had a brief but passionate affair. Carole says she called Russ to ask him if it was true, and when he denied it, she felt bad for even asking.
“Jesus, I hate gossips,” she says. First of all, if that’s true then maybe you’re on the wrong show, and second of all, what if Russ is lying? I’m just saying, it’s not out of the realm of possibility. At another spa in Manhattan Aviva and Ramona are soaking their dried, raisiny souls in a hot tub and bitching about having to go to Montana.
“There’s gonna be no Ramona pinot grigio, no turtle time, no dancing,” Ramona complains, and when you put it like that it sounds pretty horrible.
At the other spa, Carole warns Kristen that Ramonja are “not the easiest travelers.”
“Really?” Kristen says, sounding shocked in a way that only someone who had not had a wine glass thrown at them on a weekend getaway by one half of Ramonja could be. Were these scenes filmed out of order?
“My problem with Montana….” begins Avivzzzzzzzzzza, who apparently has just been diagnosed with “moderate to severe asthma” that makes her allergic to both altitude and horses. She’s worried that the mountain air will aggravate her asthma, as if doctors haven’t been telling asthma patients to move west for decades. She really wants to go, though, to prove to everyone that she’s actually fun. She’s in the “creepy sucking up to you before I rip your head off and feast on your brain” place, and it’s scaring me.
In a fun part of Manhattan, Sonja is “packing” for the weekend, but really just going over the meaning of her lingerie to Pickles the intern. “I have my really good lingerie for Monaco and the yacht,” she explains. She also packs her face tape, which apparently will pull her features into an anti-aging rictus of horror while she sleeps. #VacationEssentials
Kristen and Ramona go shopping for cowboy boots, and you can tell that Ramona is more on board with the trip now that there are cute shoes on offer. Aviva shows up wearing…I don’t even know, a prairie dress from the “My Size Barbie” collection? She says she can’t come to Montana because of the dust.
“It’s an amazing, five star resort,” Kristen says. There will be no dust, is the subtext.
“R U ON XANAX?” Ramona screams helpfully.
Kristen mentions that she finds the timing of this diagnosis a liiiiittle too convenient, and instead of reassuring her that she would have loved to come and is super bummed that she can’t, Aviva say “I find that really disgusting” and starts taking pill bottles out of her purse and throwing them in Kristen’s lap, a power move that culminates in an emphatic puff on her inhaler.
The next scene, where Carole and Heather freak out over how amazing the resort looks and wonder “If they’re kvetching so much, why come?” pretty much sums up everyone’s feelings on Aviva. While Kristen packs she fills in Josh on the dramz, who listens eagerly. I think we’ve found one of the common threads that keeps those two together: they love talking about other people. The happy mood dissipates when Josh tells Kristen that his plan is to drop the kids off at her parents’ house when she goes to Montana so that he can go to the Hamptons
and cheat on her and spend time at the beach.
“It’s my last opportunity. I’ll never get this Labor Day back,” says an adult father of two. Kristen, pack him in your suitcase, take him to Montana and turn him into jerky. He is halfway there, appearance wise.
The ladies finally fly out, arriving in Montana to find that Aviva had prepared a wheelchair to receive her when she was initially planning to join them. Hahahahahahaha. Also a highlight: Sonja’s plane outfit is the frilly white top + denim mini + wedges ensemble that my sixteen-year-old self’s dreams were made of. Everyone freaks out about how there’s no one in the airport, as though that was where they were going to be hanging out. Of course, once they get to the resort and get keys, drinks and a buggy ride to the two private homes they’ll be staying in, everyone calms down. Except Ramona.
“I’m just gonna drink all day and night,” she says. Those mason jar cocktails look delicious, so I can’t blame her. Important programming note: Sonja, Ramona and Carole are staying in the “Beaver” cabin.
The next day they herd cattle because “someone told” Kristen that was the thing to do. Just, like, save yourselves and let Sonja and Ramona black out and get weird together in a jacuzzi or something. Obviously they are both freaked out at the prospect of riding horses, Sonja rather legitimately because she was thrown from a horse in an earlier season of RHONY. (They replayed the footage. Reader, I LOL-ed.)
“What do I need on the horse, my phone?” – Sonja
“The most important thing is sunblock.” – Ramona
In the end Sonja ends up bringing a protective moonstone and having a perfectly fine ride, while Ramona demands a new horse because hers is too busy eating.
Later, at dinner, Sonja takes their waiter’s telling them that the drink he’s serving is biodynamic as an opportunity to tell him all about how she’s a student of astrology, and “Do you know why I gained seven pounds last week? Because we were going into the full moon.” He listens politely. Rather than allow this delightful patter to continue, Luann immediately brings up the gossiping facialist from last week. She wants Sonja to admit that it’s horrible and disgusting and wrong and adverb adjective to allow someone to gossip about people like that IN YOUR HOME. Even Carole doesn’t seem to care that much at this point.
“It’s been going on for hundreds of centuries and that’s what they do,” Sonja says. While perhaps not totally clear on the timeline, she is totally right — people who do services for rich people are going to talk about them. Gossip is a huuuuge party of any community. Get over it, Luann!
She will NOT get over it, however, and storms off to bed. Next week: more yelling! Yee haw!!!