Here's What Everyone Was Really Talking About During Apple's Keynote (Hint: It's Not the New Features)

The recap for those who DGAF about bigger screen sizes.

What's your problem, hater? (Photo via Getty)
What’s your problem, hater? (Photo via Getty)

By the end of today’s Apple Keynote, there were already a few hundred articles microscopically telling us which features are meaningless, why or why not the Apple Watch will transform humanity forever and when you can start handing over your sweet money. The announcement was also marred by ironic technical difficulties more worthy of a Motorola Razr announcement.

A broken feed. A loud, ambiguous translator. The most controversial scarf in tech keynote history. Bad pop music, capturing krakens, dick jokes — there’s no reason for you to miss out on what it was like in the virtual box-seats of tech’s peanut gallery.

Presenting: the recap of today’s events in the best tweets of the day. Is this another “Twitter Reacts” article? You’re damn right it is — better that than just handing out free marketing for the latest Apple gadgets.

Without further ado…

On starting late:

On the loud live-translation, and the debate over whether it was Japanese or Chinese:

And then the feed was a complete nightmare:

We won’t let you down.

On to the iPhone 6! Bigger screen, better processor, looks familiar though…

Still, nobody can hear a damn thing that’s going on:

Eventually, they bring up a gaming company to show off how powerful the phone is. What’s it called?

But nobody can pay attention to anything but the presenter. Thus begins #ScarfGate.

Finally, we ditch the translator…

…while we’re shown a bunch of photos of horses, lizards and animals.

Altogether, the new phone mostly just has a bigger screen and more powerful hardware. The verdict:

Apple announces that they’re going to replace your wallet with your phone by adding NFC technology to the top of your phone:

And the market responds immediately.

At last, the the moment we had all been waiting for:

The jokes  about the watch’s “digital crown” start to roll in:

The device is already being used for sexting, and no one even has it yet:

Our consensus:

Here's What Everyone Was Really Talking About During Apple's Keynote (Hint: It's Not the New Features)