‘The Real Housewives of Melbourne,’ 1 x 6: Anyone for Tennis?

The last Real Housewives of Melbourne episode was pretty light on Lydia, so this week, we check in with her first. She’s at her interior decorating school, where she’s showing her instructor, Kieron, her latest arts n’ crafts decorating project. 

Ummm what even is this.

Ummm what even is this.

Kieron doesn’t seem to be particularly impressed, but maybe it’s just because he’s not thinking on Lydia’s level. “He does admire my opinion, and so he questions himself,” Lydia tells the camera.

Would we call that "admiration"?

Would we call that “admiration”?

Speaking of interior design, Janet’s having a meeting with her decorator, Andrew, about the renovation’s she’s doing on her faaahbulous house. Today, the topic of conversation is the 18th century roof tiles they’re going to casually import from Spain. Apparently, Janet started these renovations with a $125,000 budget, but is now looking at a $1.7 million price quote. “It’s turning into the most expensive relationship I’ve ever had in my life,” Janet says of Andrew. “I’m not even sleeping with him!”

"More money pls"

“More money pls”

At this point, we’re starting to think we’ve mistakenly tuned in to an episode of House Hunters: International. In the next scene, Andrea is touring the construction site of Liberty Belle, the skincare center she’s opening with her Botox-injectin’ husband. Andrea’s stressed because the opening party is in two week, and construction is nowhere near done. When informed that the workers are already toiling away from 7 a.m. to 8 p.m. every day, Andrea suggests they simply start working Saturdays. OMG best boss evahhhhhhh.

Finally, this episode stops being about home decor and gets to the stuff we really care about: housewives playing tennis. Everyone heads out to Andrea’s beach house in Mornington Peninsula, which, according to Andrea, is where all the ~wealthy~ Australians have beach homes. As we learned last week, Andrea’s going to be hosting a day of tennis and champagne so that everyone can stop hating each other so much.

Lydia and Jackie both have Porsches, but they decide to take Lydia’s because it’s “a little more sportsy,” according to Jackie. On the ride out to Andrea’s, they obviously they don’t pass up on the opportunity to gossip about — who else? — Gina.

"Gina Gina demons, Gina demons, Gina Gina demons."

“Gina Gina psychic demons, Gina demons psychic, Gina psychic Gina demons.”

Andrea and Chyka also pair up to make the trip out to Andrea’s. During their drive, we get a few more details on that mysterious email that Gina vaguely referenced in the last episode. We had thought Gina had sent some kind of confrontational email to Lydia, but turns out, Gina had emailed Andrea saying her partner was going to sue all the housewives. Um, what?! To make things weirder, Gina has apparently never retracted the statement, let alone addressed that it even happened.

Before we go any further, can we stop and observe the hostess gift Chyka has purchased? It’s what any sensible athlete needs: a massive box of white tennis balls. Where do you even buy those?

Practical.

Practical.

Once inside, Andrea gives Chyka a tour of the house.

"Look at how rich I am."

“Look at how rich I am.”

It’s great fun, until Andrea’s dog, Poppy, LITERALLY KILLS A PARROT.

Woah, buzzkill.

Woah, buzzkill.

Anyway, all the women arrive, ready to get their tennis on — except for Gina. Now’s when we learn the housewives have a special phrase for Gina’s perpetual lateness: Gina Time. Of all the women, Janet is the most infuriated by Gina’s extreme lateness. “It’s the height of arrogance and rudeness,” she declares.

"Where is Gina?" "IDK let's drink more champagne."

“Where is Gina?” “IDK let’s drink more champagne and then be rly mean when she shows up.”

Eventually Gina does show up, and blames her extreme lateness on having had to ~deliver some documents~ to the courthouse. Whatever happened, it sounds like a whole load of hogwash, tbh. As if she hasn’t made everyone wait long enough, she proceeds to disappear into Andrea’s guest bathroom to change into her tennis attire, and doesn’t emerge for what seems like an hour. Everyone more or less wants to rip her makeup-slathered head off. “I’m going to kill her. I’M GOING TO KILL HER,” Janet whines to the camera.

"r u kidding me Gina"

“r u kidding me Gina”

Finally, Gina emerges — in literally the most inappropriate tennis-playing outfit imaginable.

Um....

Um….

... WHAT?!

… WHAT?!

Somehow, she actually thinks she’ll be able to play tennis in this outfit.

It's really unfair that people get annoyed with Gina.

It’s really unfair that people get annoyed with Gina.

Though to be fair, Jackie and Janet aren’t exactly the next Williams sisters, either.

"lol what's tennis?"

“lol what’s tennis?”

After their highly intense game of tennis, the ladies gather on Andrea’s patio for a fancy-looking meal. The most shocking part of the episode, for me at least, was when Jackie was able to convince Lamey McLame Andrea to do a pirouette in her flouncy little skirt. Is Andrea more fun when she’s at her beach house? Is this where she keeps her soul?

So ~lively~

So ~lively~

For some reason, Janet thinks it’ll be a great idea, since Lydia has been away at Thredbo, to fill her in on all the arguments that went down at her birthday party. Um, Gina and Andrea’s argument wasn’t even remotely interesting when it was happening — what makes the producers think we want to listen to it a second time? Gina doesn’t seem to want to talk about it either.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what a death stare looks like.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what a death stare looks like.

Thankfully, Jackie lightens the tension by inviting all the ladies to a salsa dancing lesson. As if nothing ever happened, they all happily agree and clink their champagne glasses.

"To dancing and being friendz 4ever!!!"

“To dancing and being friendz 4ever!!!”

Sadly, things go south pretty quickly. After everyone leaves Andrea’s beach house, Andrea goes into the bathroom where Gina had been getting ready, and finds it COVERED in Gina’s make-up. “Gina knows I don’t have a cleaner at the beach house, so who’s going to clean up her make up?” Andrea asks, apparently completely disinterested in making us like her one bit.

Next, Gina and Jackie meet up for a coffee date. What we think will be another godforsaken argument about psychics and demons actually ends up being a wonderful surprise: Gina and Jackie agree to put the drama behind them. Gina even tells Jackie she wants to be a “big sister” to her, and that Jackie should come to her whenever she has a problem. PRAISE THE LORD. Or the spirits. Or whatever.

"I just think everyone's bored of hearing us have the same circular argument over and over again."

“I just think everyone’s bored of hearing us have the same circular argument over and over again.”

"Yup."

“Yup.”

Before we get to the salsa dancing, we need to check in on Chyka and Jackie’ home life. Over at chez Chyka, our fave housewife is preparing dinner for her son, BJ, and his three friends, and being a total flirt. “If you need a birthday cake, I’ll make it for you,” she tells one of the boys. “I promise I’m going to make you all good husbands. I’ll teach you what you need to know.” OH WILL YOU, CHYKA?

The Chyka fan club.

The Chyka fan club.

Over at Jackie’s, Jackie is trying on potential salsa outfits for her supposedly famous rockstar husband Ben. When she puts on a very short white dress, Ben takes one look at her and says he can nearly see her “G-dinger,” which is Australian slang for a number of different things, and honestly we’re not sure which one he’s talking about.

It’s salsa time! Janet’s still mad at Gina, but thankfully the self-proclaimed sabertooth tiger becomes rather smitten with her salsa instructor, Jai.

"Wanna have a dance floor make-out?"

“Wanna have a dance floor make-out?”

Unfortunately, Gina isn’t quite as lucky when it comes to having a sex-charged salsa experience.

Oy.

Oy.

Wow, this just keeps getting worse.

Wow, this just keeps getting worse.

After the dancing is done, Janet, Lydia and Jackie stay behind to have a drink — and talk some more about Gina. At this point, everyone knows about the mess Gina left in Andrea’s beach house bathroom. Janet, truly infuriated, decides she doesn’t want to be Gina’s friend anymore. Sucks to suck, Gina.

So over it.

So over it.

 

‘The Real Housewives of Melbourne,’ 1 x 6: Anyone for Tennis?